She’s Not Normal
by mik109
Summary: After the BDM, Simon and Mal decide it's time for River to date. Rayne
1. Chapter 1

Title: Acceptance

Series: She's Not Normal

Author: mik109

Rating: PG at most

Disclaimer: Not mine. Gorramit!

Spoilers: Serenity (both the pilot and BDM), Safe

A/N I started this as sort of a twist on how River and Jayne could get together, but it may be too OC to continue. As always it's unbeta'd, so the mistakes are sadly mine.

After the BDM, Simon and Mal decide it's time for River to date.

Acceptance

"Simon…" River's voice expressed both love for and annoyance at her brother.

"I'm just saying that nice man at the bookstore seemed quite interested in you. We are going to be town until tomorrow. You could have gone to dinner with him," encouraged Simon.

The rest of the Serenity crew had already taken their seats at the table, but turned to look at the Tam siblings as they entered the mess. While the arguing wasn't new, the topic was. Since when had Simon decided his sister was stable enough to date?

Mal's brows furrowed. This was an unexpected turn of events. He hated sudden changes of direction. He tended to get shot at such times.

Zoe, Inara, and Kaylee exchanged exasperated looks. Not too long ago, Simon would have thrown a conniption if a man had so much as glanced at River. Now, he was actively pushing men at his sister. Why was it all or nothing with males?

Jayne dropped some protein from the nearest bowl on his plate and began eating.

Simon saw River into a chair before seating himself between her and Kaylee.

"So, ya met a guy?" asked Kaylee.

"Yes." "No." Simon and River responded at the same time.

After everyone started eating, Simon explained, "An attractive store owner asked River if she was busy tonight."

Irritated, River said, "If he liked him so much, he should have gone to dinner with him himself."

Everyone laughed.

"You haven't had an episode in months. You've turned a corner in your treatment. I just think it would be good for you to broaden your horizons."

Mal's mind cleared. The doc was right. The li'l albatross was much better, otherwise he wouldn't let her pilot the ship sometimes. She was a young woman, maybe a bit of romance wouldn't be amiss. She'd had precious few chances to act like other girls her age.

"Simon, she does not have proper conversational topics for a date." River tried again to make Simon understand.

"That's not true, _mei mei_. You could talk about art, dance, music…"

River rolled her eyes and began a dialogue with an imaginary beau, a proper one like Simon would approve of.

She dropped her voice and threw her shoulders back in importance. She addressed Kaylee. "For my 15th birthday, a chef baked this huge chocolate cake made from real cocoa beans."

River cleared her face, leaned forward as if to share a secret, and spoke in her normal voice. "When she was fifteen, doctors sliced her brain up like it was birthday cake."

"River…"

River ignored Simon and continued her dialogue. She spoke to Inara. "As a joke, I sent a stripper to jump out of an enormous wrapped present at my brother's graduation party."

They all knew where she was going. That memory was hard to wipe away. Most of them winced. Jayne struggled to keep the feral grin off his face, so much pale skin.

River mock whispered. "She crawled naked from a cryo box into a room full of strangers while her brother was being slowly strangled by a mercenary."

Jayne smiled briefly at the memory of being allowed to choke Simon. He sighed. Cap'n wouldn't let him anymore.

Seeing Simon hadn't quite gleaned the reality yet, River played her last hand. Turning to Zoe, she inserted a whine into her uppercrust voice. "I know 23 different ways to tie my tie."

"She knows 23 different ways to kill you with her soup spoon," deadpanned River.

Jayne looked at his spoon.

River turned her gaze to Simon. "The girl doesn't think they'd make it to the next course."

"_Mei mei_…" He finally understood, but it broke his heart.

"She never expected to find romance, Simon. She danced and read and fought imaginary enemies. She corrected homework and scholarly works and frightened her parents and all the others." River leaned toward Simon and gently kissed his forehead. "He forgets he's the only one who ever thought she was a gift. She is fine. She has accepted her life. He should, too."

River stood and quietly exited the mess.

The silence stretched.

"She ain't wrong." Mal held up a hand to stop the doctor's indignant words for a second. "She's not normal. Some of that has been done to her, but some of it hasn't. According to you, she ain't never been normal. You can't expect her to have a normal life." He grinned lopsidedly. "Although I do hope she'd never be bored enough to have that discussion over dinner."

Everyone laughed at his final statement but it died quickly because the first statements were unfortunately true. And very sad. Even Jayne felt a momentary twinge.

"Mal's right, Simon. We all know she's a lovely caring girl." Inara ignored Jayne's snort. "However, her differences may keep her from ever experiencing things most of us take for granted. It's not wrong for her to be different. It's wrong for us to wish she wasn't."

Simon earnestly replied, "But I don't wish she was different. No matter what she's been through, she has demonstrated strength, resiliency and unbelievable courage. I am so proud of her." He sighed. "I guess I just want someone else to see it too." Simon's eyes dropped to his plate. "Maybe then she'll start to believe it herself."

The crew sightlessly contemplated their meals. River was a powerful and passionate person but she could not completely cover her loneliness.

Jayne returned to his eating but picked up his spoon with his off hand, staring at it intently.

"I haven't been trying to fix her to bring her back to the child who left for the academy. I want to help her move forward into the extraordinary woman I've always known she'd be." Simon smiled at the thought.

Simon laced his fingers with Kaylee's. "I've found such happiness. I want the same for her."

"Cuz ya fell guilty." Kaylee smiled at him without bitterness. She understood. She felt a little guilty too.

Simon gently squeezed her hand. "I know I shouldn't." He grinned at the crew. "River would be very angry."

They laughed. Boy, would she, and that would cause a whole lot of trouble.

Jayne turned his spoon over, pursing his lips in thought.

"Which is why you're gonna stop. We don't need your sweet li'l sis to start throwing temper tantrums. They were bad enough when she wasn't all there. I wouldn't want to see one now that she is." Mal shuddered exaggeratedly. "'Cause if that happens, I think the rest of us would feel compelled to do something really important alone in our locked bunks."

The laughter eased the tension briefly. Until Zoe spoke.

"No matter how much it hurts now. I wouldn't give up the time I did have with Wash for anything. If the right man comes along, River will find him. Even if she's not expecting him." Zoe laughed. "Probably especially if she's not expecting him. I would never have imagined a man like Wash in my life. But he was everything I didn't know I wanted or needed." She looked compassionately at Simon. "You'll have to let her be. When the time comes, she'll find someone strong enough for this life."

Inara added, "Someone who'll listen."

"Someone who'll make her laugh." Kaylee grinned.

Simon ruefully included, "Someone who isn't afraid of her."

Mal contributed, "Someone to back her up in a fight."

"Someone crazy enough to take her."

"Jayne!" Several wadded up napkins hit him in the head.

"Hey, ya'll had yer say," defended Jayne.

"Yes, however, we were being constructive." Mal reproved Jayne.

Jayne snorted. "Well, I git paid to be de-structive." His eyes dropped back down to the spoon. He turned it around and stared at the handle.

Kaylee shook her head at Simon. "Don't matter anyways. You and the Cap'n will never find anyone good 'nough."

"That's not true. That perfectly nice..," muttered Simon.

"Perfectly nice ain't gonna cut it out here in the black." Mal had his own ideas about what would constitute a good match for River. And Core-bred wasn't on the list. Someone like that wouldn't survive for long. Simon had barely managed it.

"I think we are both mature enough to let River choose for herself." Simon sighed. "However, Kaylee is right. Speculating on who would be acceptable doesn't matter. I can't force River to take a step when she doesn't feel she's ready for it."

Kaylee gently kissed Simon. "Ya're a great brother. But sometimes ya care too much." She smiled at him once more before heading back to the engine room.

Zoe and Inara stood up. Zoe reminded the men, "We cooked. You clean." As they left the mess, Inara tossed over her shoulder at Mal and Simon. "Try not to plot too hard. You're schemes rarely play out as anticipated."

Simon and Mal rolled their eyes. Sometimes women didn't get it. They were men; they had to plan. They began to clear the table.

Jayne hadn't moved.

"Jayne. Jayne. Jayne!" Mal finally yelled at the unresponsive merc.

Jayne jumped, looked wildly around the room. Where'd everyone go? He saw Mal glaring at him, he glared back. "What?"

"Meal's over. Go find something else to do."

Jayne shrugged and stood up.

"Ya think she'd tell me," asked Jayne, waving the spoon he still hadn't let go of.

"Who'd tell you what?" That man got more confusing by the day. Mal did not appreciate it at all. He preferred his hired muscle to be straightforwardly selfish and mean that's how he knew all was right with the 'verse.

"The moonbrain," responded Jayne in an exasperated tone. Did they not pay attention at all? Sheesh. How could they not wonder? Twas driving him nuts.

"Her name is River. I'm sure she'd appreciate being addressed by her own name, even by you." Simon continued clearing the table.

Jayne rolled his eyes and snorted. Like that was gonna happen.

Mal was still confused. "Tell you what?" He repeated the unanswered part of his question.

"The 23 ways to kill someone stupid 'nough to date the crazy girl with her spoon." His look clearly added "duh" to the end of that bizarrely convoluted sentence.

Mal and Simon couldn't believe Jayne had actually listened to River. When he wasn't ignoring her, Jayne tended to provoke River for his own deranged amusement. The man got paid to defend himself and others, but the girl had already proved more than once that she could take him down. Jayne just didn't seem to care. Of course, her comment had been about violence and Jayne loved his violence.

Mal and Simon tensed then suddenly stared at Jayne with slack jaws, seemingly unable to speak. An odd spark dawned in their eyes and it made Jayne twitchy.

Annoyed by the weird looks, Jayne glanced forlornly at his spoon before tossing it in the sink and exiting the mess.

The captain and the doctor watched his retreating form disappear. Then their gazes turned apprehensively towards the other. When their eyes met neither spoke for a minute.

Mal cleared his throat. "We'll both be goin' to the Special Hell."

"This is what going mad must really feel like," suggested Simon.

Their gazes turned back to the corridor Jayne had walked down. It seemed River's former insanity had found two new homes.


	2. Chapter 2

Cinderella

River lined up Jayne in the crosshairs of her rifle.

He glared at her.

River tilted her head to the side, but her gun didn't waiver.

Mal and Zoe continued to weapon up.

"Why's she allowed to hold a gun on me?" whined Jayne.

"Because we know she won't hurt you." Mal didn't even look up.

Jayne snarled. "She's sliced me with a butcher's knife, knocked me out, and nearly turned my balls into gorram earrings"

River smiled fondly at the memories, but didn't put the weapon down.

Mal lifted an eyebrow. "You tried to sell her out. You deserved it."

"Not when she tried to twist my balls off," argued Jayne.

Mal winced. "He does have a point there."

River responded, "She wasn't in full control then. She is now."

Jayne bared his teeth and growled at her. He wouldn't reach for his pistol. He wouldn't because Mal would be mad. And the moonbrain might 'accidentally' shoot him if he moved. Arg.

"_Mei mei_, I don't want to patch Jayne up twice today," said Simon as he walked into the bay.

"I ain't been in the infirmary today."

"Not yet."

Grrr. No one on this boat respected his fearsome manliness anymore. Not even the doc was 'fraid of him. Jayne pouted, "Mal."

Zoe addressed River. "Sweetie, put that away. We need Jayne on this run."

River dutifully strapped the gun to her back and climbed into the back of the mule. Of course, she stuck her tongue out at Jayne as she did so.

Jayne returned the gesture and would have added another when he felt Mal's hand on his arm.

"No need to go antagonizin' the girl. We need her to watch our backs. You do that and she might forget."

Jayne climbed into the mule next to River, accidentally elbowing her in the process. She glared at him. He glared back. The staring contest would have continued but Zoe ended it.

"Children." Zoe was the only one who ever made them stop.

With one last sneer, Jayne and River subsided. Crossing their arms across their chests, they turned away from each to stare out opposite sides of the mule.

Simon and Mal exchanged a look.

Simon waited with his medical kit in the cargo bay when the mule pulled in. Happily it appeared no one had been shot as no one seemed to be bleeding profusely. However, there was quite a bit of swearing, but it was just Jayne so he was roundly ignored.

Jayne's tirade dwindled to an end when he realized absolutely no one was listenin'. He scowled. Everyone ignored that too. He turned to River, tryin' for some attention. "Ya waited long enough."

River shrugged. "She had to wait for the shot."

"Ya just had to wait until after he'd kicked me in the face." Jayne motioned to his split lip.

River blandly told him. "He's the one that got caught." Then it was her chance to scowl. "Besides, he didn't help the girl when the backup arrived and the stinky one made a grab for her breast." She accused.

Jayne dismissed his actions with a wave. "Ain't got nothin' to grab. He didn't have time to pull out no magnifier before you snapped his wrist."

River kicked Jayne in the shin, hard, with her combat boot.

"Ruttin' hell." Jayne jumped away from River as she rested her fists on her hips and her nostrils flared.

She glared up into his face. "Wasn't nice."

He looked down his nose at her. "I ain't nice, li'l girl."

River's eyes narrowed even further. She took an ominous step toward Jayne. He gingerly leaned on his wounded leg, spreadin' his feet as if anticipatin' a blow.

When it looked as if full-blown violence was about to occur, Zoe stepped between River and Jayne.

"Jayne stow the cargo. River, sweetie, why don't you help me figure out what supplies we need to pick up at the skyplex." Zoe wrapped a hand around the girl's arm and calmly pulled her from the bay.

Jayne glowered at their backs before hobblin' over to unpack the mule.

Mal and Simon walked up to the catwalk for a quiet chat.

Simon sighed, "This isn't going to work."

Mal nodded. "It's a dumb idea."

Simon sincerely replied. "And you should recognize dumb ideas by now."

Mal struggled to keep his voice down so Jayne wouldn't overhear. "Hey, I ain't alone in this. It's your dumb idea just as much as it's mine."

Simon tugged absentmindedly on his ear. "He was so interested in her… knowledge the other day. I thought this excursion would surely result in some…" Simon waved his hand vaguely. "Shop talk."

"Well, it didn't. All they did was bicker, and, unlike you, I had the misfortune of a front row seat." Mal shook his head as if to clear it of an incessant grating noise. "He was rather more annoyed than impressed."

"What exactly happened?"

"We got captured. She rescued us. We picked up the cargo and came back to the ship."

Simon blinked. "That was a very concise version of this afternoon's events but I believe some important details may have been overlooked. Could you possibly elaborate somewhat?"

Mal took a deep breath and plunged into a longer version of the day. "The _hun dans_ grabbed us about twenty meters away from the meet the site."

Ahh. "And she failed to stop them so he felt betrayed." Simon's head bobbed up and down.

"Na, she couldn't do anything about it, the boulders she was usin' as cover blocked her shot. So they took our weapons--"

More head bobbing as Simon interrupted again. "And he was upset because her inability to protect you allowed someone else to fondle his girls."

This time Mal blinked. Huh. "Well yeah, probably, but it ain't like we've never been disarmed before. So, we were tied up and forced at gunpoint around the hill into the hulk of a wrecked shuttle that they'd made into an office."

"Did she follow you into the shuttle? Because that seems awfully dang--"

Mal interrupted Simon's interruption. "No, she didn't follow us into the shuttle. That woulda been stupid and your sister ain't stupid. She waited outside, if you can call it outside, the shuttle was broken in half so the inside had quite a breeze. She probably had eyes on us the whole time."

Mal waited for Simon to interrupt when he didn't Mal continued. "Then the biggest and dirtiest man in the room, whom I assume was their leader because he was the biggest and dirtiest, decided to kill Jayne as an incentive for Zoe and I to talk. We were forced back outside so as not to get blood on the rug, which honestly I think maybe could've used the color but they seemed fond of it the way it was. Then they had Jayne on his knees in the middle of their campsite ready to decapitate him--"

Simon sputtered, "I thought they just kicked Jayne in the face."

"They did that, yeah, but only after he said somethin' sweet to the _hun dans_ holdin' him down. Now personally, I would have been more concerned with the guy wielding the machete over my head, but hey Jayne ain't never been that smart."

Again, Simon interrupted, "Then why are we doing this again?"

"What?" Mal was getting confused, his train of thought had been derailed awhile back.

Simon pulled on his ear again. "If he's that stupid, River would never develop an interest in him."

"Well, it's not that he wasn't aware of the machete guy. For some reason, the other guy just bugged him more. Come to think of it, it mighta been 'cause the _hun dan_ had Wilma tucked into his pants."

Mal and Simon nodded sagely in unison. Ahh.

Mal returned to the tale. "So, the guy kicked Jayne in the face and knocked him flat and outta the way. That's when your sister started pickin' 'em off. She musta slithered down a near sheer cliff to sneak up on 'em."

"Sheer cliff? What sheer cliff? Does she need medical treatment? I should go--" Simon turned to find River.

Mal grabbed his arm, pulling him back into the shadows of the catwalk. "Doc, if she needed your help she woulda asked. And I don't know for certain how she got there. She was trailin' us. For all I know, she used her dress to parasail into the camp." Mal pursed his lips in thought, he wouldn't put anything past River.

Simon's eyes got wide at the very thought.

Before Simon could say anything, Mal asked, "Now will ya please let me finish the damned story?"

Simon very contritely expressed, "Yes, you are right. It is rude of me to keep interrupting you. My professors--"

Finally goaded beyond endurance, Mal wrapped his hand around Simon's face to prevent anymore sounds from escaping.

"So where was I? Ah, yes, your sweet little sister was killin' people and quite efficiently too. She took out the guys hoverin' over Jayne then the ones holdin' Zoe and I. River tossed a knife into the ground next to Jayne so he could slice off his ropes. He threw the knife into the throat of the leader who was makin' a bee-line to Zoe's and my cover, so we extracted the knife and used it to free ourselves. By then Jayne had taken Wilma back and was helpin' River clear the remainin' bad guys." Mal removed his hand.

Simon took a couple of deep breaths as breathing had become somewhat difficult while the captain was restraining him. He rubbed his face, trying to return feeling to it. His brow creased. "What about the man who attempted to molest her?"

Mal's eyebrows raised, clearly he forgotten. "Oh, yeah. A couple of lookouts musta heard the commotion and come around the side. River was reloadin' so they got a little closer than she would normally have allowed."

"A little closer?" Simon squeaked.

Mal dismissed the incident. "She was in no danger. Jayne wasn't more than ten feet away. Sure, he just smirked at 'em but I figure that was only 'cause he wanted to see their expressions when River beat 'em up. It amuses him no end."

"That's not very healthy for River."

"It's not very healthy for Jayne either. When he griped at her about bein' late, she accidentally stumbled and knocked him into a cactus."

"What? He didn't mention--"

"He pulled all the needles out. They were pretty long. Doubt he wanted you to be tweezin' his backside anymore than you would."

"I should still check--" When Mal lifted an eyebrow, Simon retracted, "I'll ask him about it at dinner when everyone's around so he can't hurt me."

"Better idea, Doc."

"He never said thank you or anything?" Rudeness was unpalatable for Simon, it went against his Core upbringing.

"Jayne's not the kinda guy to say thank you for doin' your job."

Simon finished Mal's tale of the job. "Then they nearly had a fight when they arrived here."

"Yup." Mal didn't have anymore to add. The whole idea was preposterous from the start.

Shaking his head, Simon said, "They really can't stand each other."

Mal agreed. "Guess we shoulda expected that seein' as how she did cut open his chest at the dinner table."

"And he sold her out." Sadly, Simon nodded. It had seemed like such a workable idea to increase River's socialization. He refocused and looked back down to the bay floor when he noticed Mal's gaze had shifted.

River had wandered back into the cargo bay while Jayne was pushing the last of the illegal cargo into the smuggler's hidden compartment. She halted behind Jayne's still crouched figure.

"Thought ya was helpin' Zoe." He didn't even glance at her as he continued securin' the cargo.

River answered laconically, "Finished."

Jaynee reattached the grate before turnin' around to face the moonbrain.

"Whadda ya want, girl?"

River lifted her foot to show him the side of her boot. A large scuff mark ran down the leather and the buckles were bent.

"She can't get her boot off."

Jayne sighed. He knew she wouldn't leave him alone 'til he fixed it. He stood up then picked River up by the waist and set her down on a nearby crate so it'd be easier to reach her boot.

River shimmied back to give him room to sit down. After he did, she put her boot in his lap.

"Why can't ya ask yer brother?" Jayne asked as his head bowed in concentration.

River scoffed, "Simon fixes people not shoes."

Jayne's head shot up. He glared. "I ain't no cobbler neither. I shoot people."

River rolled her eyes. "So does she."

Jayne rolled his eyes in response and went back to the task. "Kaylee woulda had tools."

"Not the proper strength. Would do more damage to the boot."

Jayne finally got the buckles to release, but he had to pull the boot off to straighten them.

"Ya rarely wear shoes on the ship anyways. Then ya coulda bought new at the next stop." Jayne knew all women liked to shop, even his Ma.

River explained, "The girl doesn't want another pair. She's already broken these in."

Jayne nodded in understandin'. Why start over when all somethin' needed was a little repair?

"How'd ya manage ta mangle 'em anyways?"

"She slipped on the rocks when she followed too quickly."

Jayne's head shot back up. "Shouldn't ya see the doc then?" He asked as he slowly looked River over, this time notin' the dirt, torn skirt, and the start of bruises on her leg above her boot.

River waved away his concern. "The boot took the brunt of her fall. The bruises will heal without medical attention."

Jayne stared at her for a second as if he wanted to argue, but the look on her face told him he wouldn't get anywhere. He took a deep breath and returned to straightenin' the last buckle. He tried to hand the boot to River when he finished.

She tilted her head to the side. "Prince Charming places the glass slipper on Cinderella's foot."

"I ain't no Prince Charming and this ain't no glass slipper." Jayne attempted to stand.

River held him down with one very strong dancer's leg. She smiled as he struggled briefly before he decided humorin' the gorram girl would get her away sooner.

Jayne pulled up her sock then carefully maneuvered her tiny foot into the big, black combat boot. He quickly buckled it and threw her leather clad foot off his lap. Then he scowled at her for good measure.

She smiled and stood up, pirouetting to test her boot. "Cinderella thanks him for his help." She turned to leave the bay.

"Ya ain't no Cinderella neither." Jayne yelled at her retreatin' form.

River threw a naughty grin over her shoulder at him, but kept walking to her room.

Mal and Simon still stood in the shadows on the catwalk. They exchanged another look; this may work after all. Mal muttered, "We really are goin' to the Special Hell." Simon shrugged.


	3. Chapter 3

Conspiracies

"They're up to somethin'," muttered Jayne as he stood next to River at the supply warehouse on the skyplex.

River was busy mentally cataloguing all the items that they needed to pick up for Serenity's next long trek through the black, and she was currently directing an attractive young man on what supplies to box up for her. So she wasn't paying too much attention to the large mercenary as he stood next to her, and had to ask, "Who?"

"Your brother and the cap'n," replied Jayne in an undertone without lookin' at the girl. He was tryin' to be all stealthy like so as not to attract the attention of Mal and Simon. They had been actin' weird for the past week, makin' the merc all kinds of nervous. He'd caught them starin' at him, and they kept abruptly droppin' conversations when he walked into the room.

Jayne figured if anyone knew what was goin' on it was the moonbrain cuz she could read minds. So here he was sidled up to the crazy girl and in public no less. The merc hoped no one he knew saw him as he'd never live it down.

River lifted an eyebrow, and glanced briefly at her brother and the Captain as they stood in close conversation across the warehouse. Simon blushed slightly when he met her eyes, and he began pulling on his ear.

"Yes," agreed River before she returned her attention to the worker who was working very slowly and kept mixing up the supplies because he seemed to be distracted. She was becoming a little annoyed by the worker because he kept looking at her for help on the most mundane of things.

Noddin' at the confirmation, Jayne turned to stare down at River. The merc glared at the younger man when he realized that River's attention was on the worker and not him. He abruptly touched the girl's shoulder to make her face him. River's eyebrows rose as turned to Serenity's hired gun. He stared down at her again, and, this time, she stared back.

"Well, what is it?" Jayne asked exasperatedly.

"She doesn't know."

The merc's eyebrows rose too. "You don't know?" Jayne dropped his voice even further so not to be overheard by the hoverin' worker. Why couldn't the ruttin' kid go away? Couldn't he see he was interruptin' a private conversation? "You're the gorram reader."

River shrugged. "She doesn't have to read them anymore."

Eyebrows now scrunchin' in confusion, Jayne questioned, "Ya don't?"

Shaking her head, the girl smiled brilliantly at the mercenary. "She has control of her own mind now."

Jayne couldn't help but return the smile before he scowled at River and the worker, who had suddenly dropped what he was carryin', when the girl smiled. The merc glared at the worker who bent down and began retrievin' the spilt supplies. That kid was worse than useless, and his continued presence was really beginnin' to tick the mercenary off.

"But you can read them," insisted Jayne.

Nodding, River agreed, "She could."

The mercenary waited.

"But she won't."

Scowlin' furiously at the girl before forcin' a tight smile onto his face when Mal and Simon frowned at him questioningly, Jayne asked through clenched teeth, "Why not?"

The merc noticed the worker had also frowned at him when he had scowled at River. The kid had even looked like he wanted to say something in defense of the girl. Even though he was only a hair's breadth from physically removin' the worker, Jayne was tryin' to decide if he was more amused that the kid thought the girl needed protection or that the kid thought he could do it himself. Either way, the mercenary figured the kid was crazier than the girl. He turned away from the annoyance, and looked back at River when she spoke.

"It's rude." She rolled her eyes at the large angry man.

He rolled his eyes right back at her. "So."

She stated in a highly offended tone, "She is not rude."

"They ain't gonna know." Jayne's brows scrunched again. "Are they?"

"No, they wouldn't know, but she would." River frowned at the large man.

Jayne wanted to frown back at the girl, but didn't have a chance yet cuz he couldn't take the gorram kid anymore. The mercenary had had enough as the worker looked like he was about ready to drop the supplies and come out swingin' when River had frowned. Allowin' a ferocious snarl to creep over his face, Jayne stomped over and pulled the box of supplies from the kid before pointin' a menacin' finger in silent pantomime tellin' the younger man to remove himself from the vicinity right fast.

Wide-eyed, the worker's gaze slid from the intimidating man to the beautiful girl who continued to frown at the older man. Realizing she had taken no notice of him, despite his attempts to gain her attention, the worker finally relented, bowed to the girl and the man, and then, turning toward the doctor and the Captain, walked away.

Jayne glared at the kid's retreatin' back for a moment, before returnin' to River's side and continuin' the conversation where he'd left off as if there had been no interruption.

"But then I'd know," insisted Jayne.

River's eyebrows crept up again as she asked, "That she intruded into their minds?"

Frustrated, Jayne said, "No, what they're plannin'."

She rolled her eyes at him again. "She doesn't need to read Simon and Captain Daddy's minds to establish the parameters of their conspiracy."

"Huh."

At Jayne's confused expression, River explained, "They can't keep secrets. Faces like open books."

"Yeh, they ain't got no poker faces. But, readin' their minds would be quicker." The merc looked eagerly into the girl's eyes.

"It won't take long."

"If'n ya'd read their minds we'd already know now," pouted Jayne.

"Don't be such a baby."

"I ain't no baby." The mercenary determinedly sucked in his lower lip and threw back his shoulders.

"Then stop acting like one. Delayed gratification is often sweeter due to the lengths required to attain accomplishment of the goals."

Jayne grimaced. Why did the moonbrain have to go talk all fancified again? He hated when she did that cuz it made him feel all kinds of stupid, and even though the Doc didn't always understand her either, the mercenary didn't like lookin' stupid in front of the girl. It made him all twitchy, and that just made him twitchier. The merc barely restrained his lower lip from poutin' again.

Frowning at herself for being unnecessarily obtuse, River tried again, "The harder the work, the bigger the pay off."

Jayne's face lit up. "Ya think we'll be gettin' paid?"

River sighed, "The pay will be satisfaction in a job well done."

"That ain't no kind of pay. Can't take it nowhere and show it off," whined the mercenary.

"Well, maybe there will be a bigger payoff when we find out what the conspiracy is actually about. He'll just have to wait until then."

"I hate waitin'."

River rolled her eyes at him one last time. "He'll have to learn."

Jayne simply couldn't prevent himself from poutin' once more.

The worker who had so annoyed Jayne walked up to the Captain and the doctor as they stood outside the open cargo bay doors of Serenity. The confused kid said to them, "Thank you, sirs, for the suggestion about the girl, but I do not think she's interested in companionship. Only that large man could hold her attention."

Not even looking at the worker, Mal and Simon nodded in unison as they continued to observe, as unobtrusively as possible, the oddly matched pair. Vaguely patting the boy's shoulder, rather more pushing him out of his line of sight, the Captain said, "That's all right, son. She's a little distracted at the moment maybe next time."

The worker stared at the peculiar men for a moment, and then nodded politely at them before wandering off across the warehouse to do his job as far away from the weird crew as possible.

Simon rubbed his chin. "Well, I think it worked."

"I don't know. I think there would have been more bloodshed if Jayne had really been jealous."

Simon's eyes goggled at the Captain. "You sent that boy over there expecting Jayne to make him bleed?"

Mal shrugged. "Just a little. I'm sure he could take a punch or two. I don't think River woulda let Jayne seriously hurt the kid."

"You expected my sister to stop Jayne in the middle of a fight? How exactly would that be good for their relationship? He doesn't take kindly to people who interrupt him while he's eating much less fighting."

"Okay, maybe that wasn't the brightest idea."

Simon sighed, "None of this was a bright idea. I'm not even sure why we keep trying."

Mal rolled his eyes. "Because it's overall a good idea." When the Doc raised his eyebrows questioningly, the Captain added, "I don't rightly remember why it's a good idea, but I do recall it bein' a damned fine idea."

"The way he acts I'm not even certain anymore that Jayne realizes River's a young woman, and at any other time that would make me happy--"

"But not now. We kinda need him to know she's a girl. This won't work otherwise."

"Maybe it's not supposed to work. Maybe we shouldn't interfere. Maybe this is just some elaborate form of madness."

"Maybe you should shut up and get back to the plan."

"What plan? Have we ever really come up with a cohesive strategy?"

"We're playin' it by ear. That's how I like to play it, by ear."

"Yes, and that's why you tend to get shot. Personally, I don't want to be shot again. Neither time has been remotely enjoyable."

"No one is gonna get shot."

"How can you be so sure? After all, we are trying to set up your hired gun with my psychic assassin of a sister." Simon's eyes got real wide, and his mouth dropped open. "You don't think she knows do you?"

Mal waved those negative thoughts aside. "No, of course, she doesn't. She'd've said somethin' or, ya know, killed us if she knew."

"I do not want to die over this."

"We ain't gonna die. Sheesh. Don't be so gorram negative all the time. It gives me a headache."

Simon looked at Mal as if he wanted to give him a headache all right, with a wrench. "Maybe we should follow Inara's advice and not plot anything. Plus, Zoe said romance would arrive without aid, and, after all, she is the only one of us who has actually been married so she would be the expert."

"They don't know what they're talkin' 'bout when it comes to this situation. This situation is too delicate to trust in," Mal made air quotation marks, "'Fate' to get it done. It needs a li'l aid. Just think of us as Fate's li'l helpers."

"So far, I do not believe we've helped anything."

"See, you're bein' negative again. Here, I am tryin' to be of service to your sister, and all you can do is belittle my good works."

"I am sorry if you feel that I have not appreciated all the work you've done on River's behalf. I had no intention of disparaging you. I'm merely recognizing that we may be completely out of our depths in this area."

"Pffft. This isn't difficult stuff."

"How can you say that? We've been at it for a week, and I don't think we've accomplished anything."

"Sure we have. They were all cuddly after I took your sister on the last mission--"

"He fixed her boot."

"They've spent quality time together in the mess."

"You've paired them up for kitchen duty. Which no one has appreciated because neither one of them can cook--"

"So the meals have been a little crispy. I've had worse --"

"I haven't. And it's been even worse since you moved them to cleanup--"

"Hey, it is my couch--"

"I mean it was bad enough when they were using the sharp knives for target practice to decide who washed and who dried. Then they moved on to the forks and then the dull knives and the chopsticks. But when the holes were big enough for them to use the spoons--"

"Hey, it's still my couch they beat up. Besides, we're picking up some shiny new fabric today for their re-upholstery project, which will provide them with many hours of quality togetherness."

"I'm not certain that they should really be left alone again with sharp implements."

"They'll be fine. They haven't actually tried to hurt each other in months."

"I think that may be changing." Simon pointed across the bay.

River had finally compiled all the necessary items from her list. She was pleased to see the shopping was completed much more swiftly when that distracted worker had gone elsewhere at Jayne's urging. Jayne himself had been quite helpful in hauling around all the parts they would require for the next month.

Grateful at how much easier the merc was to instruct, River was glad she had included in the purchases some bags of his favorite protein snaps. She decided to make sure that Jayne had some this evening after dinner. However, she knew she would have to hide the rest or he'd have them all eaten by the end of the week, which would inevitably lead to him complaining for rest of the month about the lack of good food. She planned to parcel the portions out to keep his seemingly insatiable appetite satisfied. Smiling to herself as she rechecked her list, River thought it would be a challenge to keep the snacks properly hidden, but she always loved a challenge.

At the sound of tearing cellophane, River's head popped up. She whirled around to locate the source of the sound as it turned to crunching. Her mouth fell open when she leaned around the mercenary's broad back, and she saw that he had not only opened a bag of the protein snaps but was currently shoveling a handful into his mouth.

"Stop that!" River ordered as she reached under Jayne's arm and smacked his hand as he attempted to grab another handful.

Glarin' down at the girl, the mercenary shook out his now stingin' hand, but refused to release the bag. "Whaddya hit me for?"

She admonished, "Captain Daddy hasn't even paid for that yet."

"So, Mal's gonna pay. Besides, it's not like they're gonna want it back now that it's open."

"It is not polite to open foodstuffs before purchase."

"I ain't polite." Jayne reminded River as he held the bag aloft over her head and retrieved a few more snaps.

She growled, "He should learn."

"Why?" Jayne asked as he, unconcerned by her growl, popped another protein snap into his mouth.

River narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. "Because she said so."

When Jayne raised a disdainful eyebrow, she jump-snatched at the bag. He refused to release the snacks and tried to twist away from the girl. Maintaining her tight hold on the bag, River found herself on tiptoe and locked against the merc's chest under his heavily muscled arms.

People in the vicinity began to stare as the long-haired girl and the large, armed man began to wrestle for the bag of snacks. Neither one of them even noticed the attention they were getting as they dueled for dominance.

River finally achieved the upper hand when she stomped on Jayne's instep and elbowed him in the solar plexus. As the merc doubled up to catch his breath, she danced out from underneath his arms with the bag.

They glared at each other for a second as they considered their next moves. While Jayne was bent over rubbing his chest, River bounced on her toes waiting on his next action. When the mercenary's eyes slid away from hers for a second and glanced back at the boxes of supplies, the girl quickly realized his intention to simply open another bag.

Darting past Jayne's still hunched over form, River pirouetted to avoid his arms as they sought purchase around her waist. She scooped up the other bags and slid across the supply crates to put more distance between her and the merc.

Breathing heavily, they returned to glaring at each other across the supplies.

"You give 'em back right now, girl," snarled Jayne as he watched her, his hands clenchin' and unclenchin'.

"No." River rebuffed as she weighed the open bag in her hand. "He has already had 2.3 days worth of his snack. He will get his next serving in three days."

She stuck out her tongue at Jayne before dashing over to the Captain. After thrusting the purchase list into Mal's hand, River said, "She'll be on the bridge if she's needed." She glared at the oncoming mercenary one last time over her shoulder before she sped up the ramp and into Serenity.

Mal put out a hand to halt the charging merc before he could continue the chase into the ship.

"Ow," Jayne said as he skidded to a hard stop and rubbed his chest where Mal had aggravated the bruise from the girl. "Why'dya stop me? She's the one who stole my food."

"She's the one in charge of the supplies. She can handle them anyway she likes. Besides, I don't need you two to make any more of a scene than you already have."

"We didn't make no scene," denied Jayne.

When Mal and Simon raised their eyebrows and looked behind him, the merc turned around to see the entire warehouse at a standstill as they watched to see what would happen next. Jayne frowned darkly at the onlookers, who suddenly found other things more interesting to do.

"Don't know why they're all lookin'. Nothin' interestin' goin' on." He grumbled.

Simon suggested, "Yes, I'm sure most people have seen a 90lb teenage girl beat up and out maneuver a large, armed mercenary before today. Why would anyone notice it happening one more time?"

Highly offended, Jayne protested, "She didn't beat me up. She only got in a couple of hits. 'Sides, I let her go cuz I knew neither of you would be happy if I took her down in front of all these people."

While the mercenary stood firm in his apparently over-blown self-image, the Captain and the doctor gazed at him in blatant disbelief.

Patting the shoulder of his affronted hired weapon, Mal agreed, "Yes, of course, you were just taking one for the team."

Simon suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as Jayne looked slightly mollified by the Captain obvious humoring.

"Now, let's get the supplies paid for and loaded so we can get out of here."

After Jayne walked away to begin loading the supplies onto the ship and Mal had paid the bill, the doctor questioned under his breath, "Now what are we supposed to do? They probably won't even speak for the next week."

The Captain rolled his eyes. "You just can't stop being negative. If I have any other choice the next time I get shot, I just may choose some other doctor to fix me up 'cause you might declare me dead before I've even stopped breathin'."

Now, Simon was highly offended. "I would not. I take the Hippocratic oath very seriously. I--"

Mal trod on the doctor's foot to shut him up as his voice began to rise.

"Ow," said Simon as he hobbled slightly away from the Captain.

When Jayne looked up curiously from his loading, Mal smiled tightly and grabbed the younger man's arm, forcing him up the ramp and into the cargo bay.

"Will you be quiet," admonished the Captain as he pulled Simon to the side of the bay. "This is fine. They do this all the time. Or have you forgotten?"

The younger man rolled his eyes but nodded.

"All we gotta do is get them in the same room together for a while where they can't kill each other, and all will be back to normal. Then we'll try something new tomorrow."

"Yes, but how do we get them to not kill each other today?"

Mal shrugged. "I don't know, but something is bound to come up."

Simon wearily shook his head, and sincerely hoped he didn't get shot.

The three other female crew members of Serenity stood on the catwalk shaking their heads.

The first mate commented, "It's so sad to watch."

"Yeah, they ain't doin' it right at all," sighed the mechanic.

The companion agreed, "We would help if they would only ask us."

Kaylee sighed again, "Yup, but they ain't gonna never ask us."

"True." Zoe nodded briefly.

Watching Mal and Simon continue to plot as Jayne loaded the cargo, Inara stated, "Typical men incapable of asking for advice."

"Well, maybe they'll get better. They've only been at it for what…?" Kaylee prompted hopefully.

Zoe calculated, "A week."

Frowning slightly, Kaylee said, "It's not that much time."

"This should not require time," laughed the experienced companion.

The women grinned at each other, sharing the joke.

Zoe suggested, "Just a little push."

Kaylee sighed, "Yeah."

"But they aren't pushing," added the first mate.

Eyes twinkling, Inara laughed again. "No, it's more like impeding."

Rolling their eyes and laughing, the women grinned at each other again. They quieted back down when the men on the cargo bay floor glared up at them.

Kaylee waved merrily to the men. After they all nodded in response, she assured the women, "Yeah, but when it finally happens, they'll feel all accomplished. 'Course Simon already is accomplished bein' a doctor and all. But this'll feel shiny too."

Inara declared, "And they'll probably just gloat, never realizing the depth of their ineptitude."

"Prob'ly." Kaylee wondered, "So, we gonna help'em?"

All their eyebrows rose as they gazed questioningly at one another.

Shakin' her head, Kaylee giggled, "Nah."

Zoe shrugged and smiled. "They want to do this themselves."

"We wouldn't want to interfere," agreed Inara.

They turned to watch the men for another moment.

"It would be wrong of us to just watch'em fumblin' 'round though. Wouldn't it?" The mechanic looked wide-eyed at the older women.

Contemplating the scene, Zoe said, "Yeah."

"But highly entertaining," mused to the companion with a grin.

Kaylee giggled again, "Yeah."

Unexpectedly, Zoe called out, "Hey, Jayne, when you're done, go up to the bridge and see if River needs anything."

Jayne turned to the first mate and grumbled, "Why do I gotta deal with the moonbrain?" However, he left the bay to head for the bridge without any further argument.

Inara and Kaylee raised their eyebrows at Zoe.

The first mate shrugged her shoulders and said, "Have to keep the ball rolling."

Kaylee outright laughed as the doctor and the Captain clapped each other on the back in congratulations. "Wouldn't be any fun if they got too discouraged."

Back down on the floor of the cargo bay, Mal said to Simon. "See, everything's goin' as needed. Zoe helped us out and she don't even know what's goin' on. Remember, we're merely Fate's li'l helpers so when things look a bit bleak something unexpectedly will turn up."

The Captain smiled widely at the doctor before clappin' him on the shoulder one last time. "Well, Jayne don't want to crash so they'll be right as rain by dinner so no more worries today. And I best be off to do some other captainly duties besides shipboard romance. Serenity won't run herself. She's not the gorram Love Boat." After that oh so pithy observance, Mal sauntered from the room hummin' the theme song under his breath.

With an absent-mindedly, horrified expression on his face, Simon watched the Captain leave. He blinked and shook his head to clear it of the disturbing image of the unusually exuberant older man. He glanced up at the three women still standing on the catwalk grinning down at him. The doctor blinked and shook his head again because, for a moment, he could have sworn he saw them smirking at him and…weaving while wearing togas? What could they possibly be weaving? And why togas? River's delusions really did seem to be rubbing off onto him. This was getting all too strange for a well-bred Core man to take.

"This really must be what it feels like to go mad," muttered Simon.

When Kaylee waved once more and shattered his imaginings, Simon smiled vaguely and waved back then he began to walk to the infirmary. He felt the sudden urge to prep it for use in case he really did get shot. Maybe he should start giving Zoe daily medic lessons just to be safe?


	4. Chapter 4

Listening

"He used too many."

Jayne rolled his eyes, and continued putting his tools away. "I did not."

River frowned at the couch. "The project did not require that many."

"Yes, it did."

"No--"

After carefully laying the last tool in his toolbox, the merc stood and faced the girl. Interruptin' her with a huff, he said, "Look it, girl. I've been mendin' furniture since before you were born. I know what I'm doin'."

She shifted her frown to the towering man. "The average weight--"

Raisin' a hand to ward off her words, Jayne continued his interruption, "Don't go spoutin' your genius to talk to me. Ya don't know what people are gonna get up to on that couch. Or how many of them there will be. It's best to use more staples now than to wait for the fabric to rip and try to repair it then. Mal would be right mad if that happened." Yeah, right mad at me because he would conveniently forget the li'l genius was involved, he added to himself.

River tilted her head. She had not considered the use of the couch for anything other than seating purposes. Perhaps he was right.

Staring unflinchingly, she considered the merc for a minute. "Sit down."

He blinked. "What--"

"Sit down," responded River as she unceremoniously shoved the mercenary onto the couch.

"Why for do I hafta sit down?" Jayne scowled up at the girl.

"He has the greatest human mass on the ship therefore he is the appropriate choice for her experiment."

The merc's eyebrows twisted in confusion. "What experiment?"

"She wishes to observe the pull placed upon the staples." River calmly straddled his lap and then elbowed his head aside while she leaned over his shoulder to see down the back of the couch.

"Ow! Geroff me!"

Ignoring him, she began to bounce on her knees.

"Gorramit, girl, I ain't a jungle gym. Now, get off!" growled Jayne as he grabbed her waist and tried to lever her springin' body away.

"Jungle Jayne," giggled River even as she steadfastly continued inspecting the couch with her elbow still planted squarely in the nape of the mercenary's neck.

Ignorin' the fast blooming headache caused by her boney arm, he struggled to retain his hold on her way too bendy body while simultaneously attemptin' to push her off him, but the girl was damn squirmy.

When she abruptly straightened up, Jayne thought he'd finally succeed. Before he could force her off though, she flipped around, planted her right knee firmly on his collar, clutched his thighs, and ducked her head down between his knees to see the underside of the couch.

"Gah." He gurgled as he scrambled to pull her knee away from his throat while quickly graspin' her thighs to keep her from fallin'. "Ruttin' hell, moonbrain. Your brain's already spaghetti. Ya don't gotta spill it on the floor, too."

Frowning because she couldn't move enough to properly stress the staples by herself in this position, River released the merc's right thigh and began tickling his side.

Caught completely off guard because no one had dared tickle him in decades, Jayne couldn't stop his bark of laughter. Severely annoyed but laughin' uncontrollably, he roared, "Crazy Girl, you better stop doin' that now!"

She ignored that order too. In fact, she redoubled her efforts because this new strain was quite exceptional. Her experiment was proceeding nicely with Jayne's assistance. She smiled.

Jayne writhed under the girl, howlin' and tryin' to both get away from her and keep her from landin' on her fool head. Gorram girl, he should just drop her. His fingers tightened on her silky dress.

"Moonbrain, I'm gonna throw you over my knee and spank your be-hind if you don't stop that right now!"

River shrugged unconcernedly against his thighs. "Am already over your knee."

If'd he'd had the extra energy, Jayne knew he'd be offended by the girl's casual dismissal of his manly power. However, he was too busy tryin' not to squeal while also findin' a way to wriggle clear of her torturous fingers.

At that less than fortuitous moment, Mal and Simon walked in.

The Captain and the Doctor stood motionlessly in the doorway staring confusedly at the laughing, twisting, conglomeration of flailing body parts.

They blinked in unison.

This was new.

They tilted their heads slightly to the side.

They'd never seen the would-be couple so entwined. They'd certainly never seen a man's hands on those parts of River's anatomy nor her head in that position.

This was definitely new.

"Y'all about done fixin' my couch?"

The Doctor turned his head and gawped at the Captain. That's all he had to say?

Finally noticin' the newcomers, Jayne turned his red face to them. He begged between guffaws, "Get her off me!"

Simon grimaced in commiseration as understanding dawned. He knew from long personal experience exactly how unerring his sister's tickle attacks could be. "_Mei mei_--"

Mal rolled his eyes in exasperation. This childishness was not helpful in the least. "Albatross--"

Slightly lifting her head, River peered up at them through the mess of her even more tangled than usual hair. "Yes?" She asked politely without halting her relentless tickling of the creatively swearing mercenary.

"Maybe you should let go--"

"What are ya doin'?"

She smiled brightly. "She is verifying the strength of the upholstery repair on Captain Daddy's couch." She returned her head to the position between Jayne's knees.

"Oh." That made absolutely no sense to Simon. He'd have to ask Kaylee later if this sort of tickling thing was appropriate.

"You about done? While I am gratified by your work ethic, I think my hired weapon used all his available oxygen on recitin' his entire vocabulary rather than maintainin' consciousness so you'd best get up now because I kind of need him not dead."

River twisted up to inspect the mercenary's now shining purple face. She ceased the tickling, and turned to address the Captain. "Yes, the repair is sufficient. Jayne is a good carpenter."

Smiling happily at all the men, she gracefully climbed off the gasping man. She patted the merc on the head briefly and grinned down at him. "He was very helpful."

She smiled once more at her Captain and brother then exited the room.

Attemptin' to recover some of his lost manliness, Jayne jumped up and snarled, "Girl's a menace. Mighta killed me without even noticin'." He scowled ferociously at the men, but a petulant pout twisted his lower lip, marring his fearsomeness somewhat.

Mal and Simon lifted their eyebrows.

The merc grimaced, gathered up his toolbox and muttered, "Gonna go work off some of this steam."

He left the galley with his nose high in the air in indignation.

The Doctor bit his lip. His _mei mei_ was definitely back. He smiled fondly as he sorted the dishes to be washed.

Mal waited until he was certain his two most volatile crewmembers were out of earshot before turning to the younger man. "Your sister is the problem."

"What?" Simon stopped his categorization of the dirty dishes and blinked owlishly at the Captain.

"Your sister. She's the problem."

"This is all about her. How can she be the problem?"

"Tactics. We've been concentrating on Jayne and we ain't gettin' anywhere." He waited impatiently for the reluctantly confirming nod. "Why? Because he ain't the problem. Your sister is the problem."

"Why isn't Jayne the problem?"

"Because he's not." Mal sighed in frustration. "Look, we've been tryin' to figure out how to get Jayne to notice your sister. Right?"

"Yes." Simon had the distinct impression he wouldn't like the direction of this conversation.

"That's where we've gone wrong. Jayne is…" The Captain waved his hands around as if physically searching for the right word. Shrugging, he settled for, "Jayne is Jayne. He has to have already noticed your sister. I mean she did come out of the cryo box naked. That had to have caught his attention."

"Ewww."

"Obviously not in any bad way cuz she hasn't killed him yet. Only beat him up a bit." Mal casually dismissed the subject of Jayne's probable awareness of River as a woman. They'd already established it as a necessary evil for their cause.

Simon frowned and clanked the pots and pans a little more forcefully than he would normally. This plotting to increase his sister's socialization seemed to be getting somewhat out of hand.

Mal stroked his chin and paced. "She doesn't see him as a man. You saw the same as me she crawled all over him without the slightest hint of sexual tension."

"Thank Buddha." Simon merely wanted River to have a chance to test her wings a bit, not nest with the big ape. He shuddered at the very thought.

Mal rolled his eyes in exasperation. "She has to notice him to date him. If he's merely furniture or a pet of some sort, then this will never work."

"I know I've said this before but maybe it's really not supposed to. Honestly, I think we're farther away--"

"We are not farther away. Look at this couch."

Simon grudgingly walked over to the seating area.

"It's attractive," Mal demonstrated with a sweep of his hand across the upholstery, "and comfy," he sat down and slouched into the seat, "and even tested for durability. They did this together and there wasn't even any blood."

"Jayne nearly passed out."

"But he didn't. And she didn't try to incapacitate him cuz we both know she would've succeeded."

Nodding ruefully, the doctor turned back to his dishes. He turned the water on and picked up a pot.

"Maybe she needs to see him naked?" mused Mal from his slouch.

Simon could only manage a gurgle in response. The Captain didn't seem to notice.

"He must look good naked. All the workin' girls… "

Clang.

Mal popped up from the couch and glared at the hyperventilating doctor.

"No need to go breakin' my things. None of that stuff's gonna happen now. You know eventually. Later. Much, much later. If ever. I'm sure your sister's not easy. We've raised her better than that."

The Captain reached over the crouched man and turned off the water. They couldn't afford to waste it while the Doctor wasted time.

Lack of oxygen aside, Simon abruptly stood and huffed, "We've!"

"I was the one who released her from the box."

"Too early! You could've killed her!"

"But I didn't. Sure she was cold, naked and screamin', but not dead."

"Not dead through no fault of your own."

Determinedly, Simon turned back to the sink. Water on. Soap in. He needed to finish the dishes so he could lock himself in the infirmary for a nice, soothing reorganization of their entire stock of medical supplies and equipment.

"Just conjured seein' my merc unclothed would remind her he only had a girl's name not parts."

"He did once say he'd show her his man parts."

"He did what!"

"He said he'd--"

"I heard you the first time. How is it I'm only hearin' about this now?"

"It wasn't important. He didn't mean it."

Mal's eyebrows shot up.

In retrospect, Simon realized Jayne probably had meant it. However, it had never happened. At least, he didn't think it had. Maybe he should ask River?

Inhalin' a deep cleansin' breath, the Captain regained his calm. "Doesn't matter. Woulda helped us out here, but I ain't in the mood to find out. So we'll move forward on the assumption that it never happened because if it did, and she still sees him as furniture, then it couldn't have been that good."

Forgetting the running water, Simon stared vacantly into space as he tried to decide whether he wished his sister had been flashed and unimpressed by the big ape or never shown the hired gun's… gun.

Returning to his original train of thought, Mal leaned back against the counter and blythely ignored the Doctor's lack of movement or help. "What's your sister's type?"

"Hunh?" That snapped him out of his daze.

"What kinda guy does the li'l albatross find attractive?" Mal stared at the younger man. "You're her brother. You should know this stuff."

Simon ran his hands through his hair, leaving a trail of soap suds then tugged on his ear in agitation. This was really outside his preferred thought constraints. He retrieved a plate from the soapy water and carefully rinsed it off. If he could just get his dish detail done, he could run far away from Mal and his scheming. The dishes clanked and the water sloshed as he hurried as much as his spotless cleansing could be hurried.

"Is he too tall? He can't possibly be too short. Weigh too much?" Mal's eye's lit up for a second before dimming. "We'll never get him to stop eatin' everything partially edible in sight so I hope weight ain't a deal breaker."

Strokin' his suspenders, the Captain continued his questionin', "Does she prefer blondes? Maybe we could get him to dye his hair. Tell him it's for a job."

Sighing, the Doctor finally upheld his end of the conversation and stated unequivocally, "No she definitely does not prefer blonds." At the Captain's questioning look, he explained, "She wouldn't even play with the blond dolls when we were children. Well, she would the first time, but they always ended up quickly dismembered in senseless battle so we could hold the funeral rites. They weren't of much use after that."

"So blond is out."

"Yeah."

"Were there any other unpopular characteristics of her dolls that would get them mutilated right quick? I only ask because those might be helpful to know for all sorts of reasons."

Simon's brow wrinkled in thought. "No. I think only the blonds lost body parts."

"Remind me not to streak my hair then."

"Okay."

Mal rolled his eyes. He pursed his lips in thought once more. "Maybe he merely needs to express an interest in something she likes to do?"

"Besides the violence?" questioned the Doctor.

"Or the pilotin'," agreed the Captain dryly.

They grimaced at each other at that thought.

"Don't think I can order him to read any of those books she prefers cuz hell I can't understand most of them."

"Neither can I."

"And you were top 3 at your MedAcad."

Simon let the water begin to drain as he placed the clean dishes in the cabinets.

The men considered River's habits for a moment then spoke simultaneously.

"Dancing?" queried the Doctor.

"Art?" offered the Captain.

"Finger-painting?" suggested Simon drolly.

"Better than seein' him in a tutu."

"Male ballet dancers do not actually wear…" Simon drifted off for a second as his eyes clouded over. "Though I wouldn't want to see him in that gear either." He shook his head to clear it of the gruesome image.

"It's gonna hafta to be the violence then." Mal rubbed his chin. "Maybe I could order them to cross-train. She could teach him some of those martial art moves and he could teach her how to… ah… how to--"

"Spit?"

"I'm sure there's something more productive he could teach her, but for now, I'll just make her show him so more subtle, less brutal self-defense. For the job."

"You are the captain." Simon said as he dried his hands off.

Standing straighter, Mal threw back his shoulders. "I am."

The Doctor nodded absently as he headed out of the galley. "I'll prep the medbay."

The Captain's eyebrows scrunched together as he queried, "You ain't upset about the possibility of your _mei mei_ gettin' hurt?"

"For Jayne."

Mal shrugged, probably a good idea.

* * *

"Gorram moonbrain, what the ruttin' hell do you think you're doin'?" hollered Jayne as he sprinted up the cargo bay stairs.

"Shhh. Listening." River didn't bother to turn and look down at him.

"Don't shush me, girl. I ain't gonna be held responsible for ya fallin' and splattin' all over the bay floor. So get down. Now." Crazy girl seemed determined to kill him today. The mercenary nearly had a heart attack when he walked into the bay to work out and saw her standin' atop the rails on the catwalk. Weren't no way he was lettin' her stay there.

Not that he was concerned about her or nothing. He simply didn't want to clean up what was left of her when she decided to try flyin' and discovered crashin' instead. His heart was only beating so fast due to the run up the stairs. Nothing more.

Jayne stepped up behind River and wrapped his right arm around her hips prepared to lift her down. When she calmly laid her left hand on his forearm, he rolled his eyes but stopped. "What?"

"She is listening to Captain Daddy and Simon in the mess."

That's what she was doin'? Jayne looked up at the ceiling. "You can hear them from here?"

River nodded. She never stopped listening, but, for some odd reason, her concentration had begun to falter making the voices suddenly harder to pick up. She frowned in confusion for a second before responding to the merc's question. "Cross ventilation shafts bring the acoustic waves to proper clarity here."

Jayne frowned. The girl was gettin' all wordy again. He supposed she couldn't help it, seeing as how she was all cut up in the brain and so gorram smart to begin with. Sighin', he decided he would just have to get used to it eventually.

"Fine. But while you're listenin', I'm gonna stand right here to make sure you don't go nowhere."

River nodded again. "That is acceptable. She even has his snacks to keep him company."

Eyes widenin', Jayne peered around her side. Indeed she had a small bowl of his favorite snaps in her right hand. How had he missed those? Usually, he could practically smell his snacks from across the ship. The girl hid them fairly well though because he'd not found them yet, and he'd been searchin' since they'd left the skyplex three days ago.

He'd probably been distracted by the moonbrain's scent again. Girl smelled like oatmeal with a hint of cinnamon, always reminded him of home. He figured it was just one of those girlie soaps, but he couldn't smell anything else when she was around. His face screwed up in thought. That's probably how she hid his snacks. They were somewhere behind her shower stuff. Maybe he should try sneakin' a peek around her cabin? Nah, she'd probably catch him and skin him, and the Captain would merely pat her on the head with a no more flayin' crew rule.

After reachin' around with his free arm and takin' the bowl, the merc glared at the food. How was he supposed to eat with only one hand? Pursin' his lips, he decided the girl didn't weigh nothing so as long as he kept his arm around her she'd be safe. He placed the bowl in his right hand where it rested on her hip which he figured was as good a place as any because it kept the bowl next to his face. He smiled. He didn't have to reach far for his snacks.

His eyebrows scrunched together. The bowl was awfully little though, and there weren't nearly enough snaps in it.

"He had the first .3 of his daily allowance at the skyplex. This is the other .7."

Jayne slanted a glance up at the girl. "Thought you weren't readin' our heads no more?"

"Didn't."

"Then how--"

"He did not begin eating right away. She theorized his pause was due to the amount of foodstuffs placed in the bowl."

After rollin' his eyes, Jayne glowered at the still untouched bowl of snaps. "Not enough here to fill a man's hunger."

Tilting her face down, River's dark gaze met his as she questioned, "Would he prefer to have snacks to look forward to everyday? Or to eat them all now not knowing when he might have the next opportunity for his favorites?"

Droppin' his eyes, the mercenary grimaced peevishly. His arm tightened around the girl as he tilted the bowl for easier access as he began to pick the snaps out one by one. "I guess this is okay. It just ain't what I'm used to."

She scowled down at him. "He should develop better nutritional habits. His current choices are bad for a man of his age."

Jayne returned her scowl. "Hey! I ain't that old. Got lots of life left in me."

"If he wants to keep it in, then he needs to learn better habits."

"I like my habits just the way they are. And you're one to talk anyways."

Eyebrows twisting, River frowned. "Her nutritional intake is perfectly balanced to achieve the optimum physicality of someone her age and size."

Rollin' his eyes, Jayne scoffed, "Puh-leeze. You're so scrawny ya look like a sneeze from a system over could knock you down."

"She is not _scrawny_. She is slender."

"Whatever ya want to call it stills means the same thing: you're too skinny."

"She is the same size as Inara."

"Ya are?" Leanin' back slightly, he inspected her closely, sizin' her up. "Must be these ugly dresses then. They hang off ya. Make ya look like a bag o' bones."

"Her dresses are perfectly acceptable."

"Whatever. You're either too thin or wearin' the wrong clothes. Probably both though."

Nostrils flaring, River asserted, "She is neither underweight nor inappropriately attired. She is perfectly healthy and her clothes are chosen for comfort and durability. There is nothing wrong with her person."

"If ya say so." Jayne shrugged with artificial indifference and popped a snap in his mouth. If the girl didn't want to listen to him, he didn't have to listen to her. He fiercely ground up the snack. When he was done here, he'd head back up to the galley and eat every nasty, out-of-date piece of _go se _he could find. He'd show her. And if he got sick or died that'd be all her fault too.

River agreed tightly, "She does." She glared at the mercenary's scheming face. He was up to something stupid. She could tell, but she didn't care. She didn't.

"Ya are the gen-i-us," responded Jayne snidely.

"She is."

The merc heard the petulance threaded through her statement. He bit his lip to prevent the grin from formin'. Girl didn't much like havin' her advice ignored. He could use that.

"Yup." Noddin' disinterestedly, he forced himself to slowly chew another snap. Jayne peered casually around the cargo bay, as if lookin' for something better to do.

"There is nothing wrong with having a high IQ," declared River indignantly.

"'Course not." Pop went another snap.

"Yet his tone disparaged her."

He blinked innocently up at her. "Dis-para-what?"

"He _mocked_ her."

He quirked his lips and gazed unrepentantly up at her beneath condescendingly raised eyebrows. "Just think bein' a genius ain't all it's cracked up to be if ya gotta stay nearly starved to death from bein' all nutritional all the time."

"She is not starved. She eats when it is required."

"That's dull. Anyone can eat when it's _required_. Don't ya ever get cravings?" Jayne nearly said 'for stuff your parents wouldn't let ya eat,' but choked it back because he refused to remind the moonbrain of people even more worthless than her brother. After flexin' his shoulders briefly, he determinedly returned to his original thought about how the girl'd never get fully right in the head if she continued followin' some ridiculous routine arranged by the Doc. That boy had no idea how to have any fun.

"No."

Slantin' an eyebrow, the mercenary regarded her with disbelief. She wasn't that unhinged.

River rolled her eyes then sighed. She grudgingly confessed, "She did try to eat an ice planet once. It was problematic."

He remembered, but decided now was not the best time to tease her about it. He had another fish to fry. The crazy girl didn't eat enough and he figured that was because she hadn't found any food she really liked. So he simply needed to find one she couldn't turn down even if it wasn't _required_.

Lookin' down at the bowl in his hand, he decided he'd start with his own favorites.

"These ain't a problem." Jayne wrapped his left arm around her as he held the snack bowl up with his right hand.

She squinted at the crunchy, orangish snacks. "They do not interest her. At least the ice planet served as a dairy product."

"Ya ain't even tried 'em." He tempted with a shake of the bowl.

River turned her face away with her nose up disdainfully. "She does not wish to try his foodstuffs."

"You're just 'fraid."

Whipping her head back around, she narrowed her gaze on the merc. "She is not afraid of his overly salted, not-quite-cheese flavored, protein snaps."

Jayne rolled his eyes. "You're afraid of likin' 'em."

"They are unhealthy and pointless. She feels no need to taste them."

"That's cuz you're so smart ya dumbly think everything has to have some greater purpose. These taste good. That's their greater purpose."

Rearrangin' his arm grip again, he grabbed a snap from the bowl and waved it under her lips.

Annoyed, she snatched the snap out of his hand and shoved it into her mouth.

"There. Satisfied?" mumbled River as she chomped angrily through the snack.

Jayne waited, watchin' the girl slow her eatin' before swallowin'. When she licked her teeth and then darted her tongue out to remove any residual snap dust from her lips, he grinned.

Wagglin' his eyebrows, he asked, "So?"

She shrugged carelessly.

"Soooo?" singsonged the grinnin' mercenary as he jiggled her waist.

Realizing he would not stop questioning her until she responded verbally, she grudgingly expressed, "They do not offend her taste buds."

Jayne smirked.

River turned her face away from his victorious countenance as she tried to unobtrusively lick the not-cheese powder off her fingertips.

Smirk widenin', he changed arms once again, reached up and offered her some more of his snacks.

She refused to look at him as she delicately plucked another snap from the rapidly dwindling serving.

Jayne laughed. "Might just get you lookin' less boney sometime soon."

Tensing momentarily, River paused the licking of her fingers. She shrugged and explained, "She only ordered enough of his favorite foodstuffs to tide him over until the next supply run in a month."

"Oh." That weren't right. Here, he'd got her to like the snaps and now she didn't have no more to eat. He offered, "You can have some of 'em. You did buy 'em."

"Captain Daddy purchased them."

Rollin' his eyes, he reminded, "But you're the one in charge of 'em. Have 'em all hidden and stuff."

"She only keeps them hidden to prevent him from overexposure. She measures out the servings to provide for a minimal risk to his health while curbing his appetite for more until the time for the next helping. She did not factor herself into the equation so there is no extra for her."

Eyebrows twistin' together, Jayne tried to think up a solution to this new problem. Why he had to keep thinkin' when the girl was around and could do it better and faster he didn't rightly know.

An idea came to him though. He looked up at her. "Well, I can share if I want, can't I?"

Her brow wrinkled in confusion. "Of course. They are his snacks."

"Then I say you can have some."

River considered his proposal for a moment then partially conceded, "He may not feel like sharing every day. She will give him his serving and he can decide whether he wishes to share and with whom."

"Why would I wanna share with anyone else?" Jayne looked at the girl like she'd just now gone crazy. "Barely enough for the two of us as is. I ain't gonna go sharin' with nobody else on this boat anyway. Well, Kaylee could have a couple, and Zoe and 'Nara too I guess. But, I ain't sharin' with your brother or the Captain. I draw the line at sharin' with them."

She laughed lightly before smiling into his upturned face. "Okay."

He smiled back. "Okay."

When they both reached for another snack, they discover they'd reached the bottom of the bowl. Without even realizing it, they'd eaten all his daily allowance of snaps. They sighed forlornly and licked their fingers clean one last time.

After finishin' up his finger-lickin', Jayne turned his attention back to the reason for the crazy girl's current crazy position. "So what are they sayin'?"

River's brow furrowed as she looked back up at the ceiling. She'd forgotten to pay close attention when the merc had arrived. She listened for a moment.

"They've left now."

"Well, what did they say before that?"

She hadn't learned much from her eavesdropping, but she decided to stroke Jayne's ego a bit so he wouldn't notice her lack of new conspiracy information.

"When she first arrived, they said what a good job you did on the couch."

Jayne preened.

Smiling to herself at the ease with which the mercenary was misdirected, River continued, "Then all I could hear were the sounds from the sink. Unfortunately, the pipe is too close to this area and interferes with the acoustics. The water turned off for a minute and she heard them arguing about whether or not Captain Daddy tried to kill her when he released her early from the cryo box."

The merc frowned darkly and his arm tightened around the girl's waist. He preferred the naked part of that memory, even over stranglin' the girl's useless brother. He refused to consider the possible sudden, painful death of the moonbrain part, made his eye twitch and his stomach curl.

"After that, they made too much noise washing the dishes. The few decipherable words lacked reference, and therefore she could deduce no new understanding of Simon and Captain Daddy's conspiracy. They will have to try again a different day."

Unconsciously, his arm tautened even more. "Ya ain't standin' on the rails again."

"She stands on the rails all the time."

Jayne's clasp increased another notch as his heart thundered again. He simply rejected cleanin' up that mess. That's all.

"Well, not anymore."

"He cannot order her to stop."

Realizin' the girl was right, the merc glowered up at her. She peered haughtily down at him.

He could tell the Captain or the Doc, and make them order her, but that'd be snitchin'. Besides, she'd likely twist them around her finger again and still be allowed. He'd hafta handle this himself. He couldn't physically restrain her _all _the time. So, thought one was out. However, he could get her to agree not to play on the rails again. Girl knew how to keep a promise.

What would get her to consent though?

Narrowin' his eyes, he contemplated the girl for a second. A light dawned.

"Ya want me to learn better eatin' habits cuz ya think it's bad for me?" He waited for River's tentative nod. "Well, I know splattin' all over the bay floor is real bad for you. So ya stop this high-wire foolishness and maybe I'll pay more attention to what I eat. Deal?"

She wheedled, "But she has never fallen and splatted --"

"Deal?" demanded Jayne firmly.

Recognizing his obstinacy, she resentfully agreed, "Fine."

"Fine?"

"If he will eat properly," when the merc raised an eyebrow, River realized that would be too improbable, "more properly, she will refrain from standing atop the rails."

Even as she began to plot ways around the restriction, Jayne added, "No climbin' or perchin' or any other word you can think up to get around the agreement neither. No more endangerin' yourself on the catwalk period."

The mercenary merely raised his eyebrows when she glared down at him. He wasn't as dumb as Mal or Simon when it came to the girl's connivin' ways. He figured if they wanted to let her make them look foolish that was their choice, but there was no way she was gonna make him look foolish. At least not again.

Rolling her eyes, she sighed unhappily, "Agreed."

Jayne squinted up at River, weighin' her acquiescence. Recognizin' her dark pout as her inability to find a way around the new rule, he nodded curtly. "Deal."

They continued looking at each other for another minute, neither budging an inch.

"He needs to let go so she can get down."

That made the hired gun flinch. He growled, "Ain't lettin' ya go. I'll put you on the ground. So you let go of the rails."

She grumbled, "She is perfectly capable of getting down unassisted--"

Shakin' his head, Jayne wrapped both arms around her and tightened his grip once more, clutchin' her legs firmly to his chest until she was practically sittin' on his shoulder. "A deal's a deal. No more endangerin' yourself on the catwalk. That started when you agreed. So I don't hafta let you go 'til you're on the ground."

River glared down at him. "Fine."

Undisturbed by her fiery look, he agreed, "Fine."

"She will let go."

"Okay."

"He is ready?"

Jayne rolled his eyes. "Yes."

"She does not wish to be dropped."

"I ain't gonna drop ya. Now, let go."

RIver grasped the merc's immoveable forearms and released the tension from her legs.

At the feel of her slight weight restin' completely on him, he lowered her carefully to the catwalk flooring. He kept his arms wrapped around her and stayed crouched behind her until he was certain she had adjusted her balance.

"He can let go now."

"Ya sure?"

"Yes."

"Don't wantcha ta fall."

"She will not fall."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Jayne slowly relaxed his clasp and straightened up.

"Ya alright?"

"Yes, he can release her now."

"Ya gotta let go of my arms then."

Glancing down, River realized she hadn't loosened her grasp. She freed him immediately and he dropped his arms then stepped back.

She brushed her hands across the front of her dress then turned around to face the mercenary. "She thanks him."

"No problem." He wanted to remind her about her promise but knew that would only aggravate her into findin' a way around it. So he bit his tongue and refrained.

They stared solemnly in each other's general direction for a minute.

"Good night," said River as flicked a gaze at the mercenary then swept past him.

"Night." Jayne tried handin' the bowl back to the girl as she passed.

Frowning, she stepped away from his outstretched hand. "He must clean the bowl and return it to her if he wants anymore snaps."

"Why for do I hafta wash it? It's your bowl."

"They are his snacks."

"I ain't cleanin' the snaps so why should I hafta clean your bowl?"

"He does clean his snacks." The merc raised an eyebrow. "What he does not ingest he licks off his fingers. Now, he must clean the bowl too."

After slantin' an eyebrow at her for a second, Jayne shrugged then lifted the bowl to his mouth and licked it clean.

River's lip curled in disgust. "She will not accept his saliva as proper dish detergent."

"It's just gonna hold my food right? Why for does it matter if it's soap clean?"

"He promised to eat better. Eating off properly washed dishware is a start." She tilted her head to the side. "And if he intends to share his snacks with her, she requires a clean bowl from which to eat, not one laced with his spittle."

Rollin' his eyes, he assured, "Fine, I'll wash it."

"Fine."

River resumed the trek to her room. She called out over her shoulder. "Good night, Jayne."

"Night." He frowned at the empty bowl. He'd nearly added her name. Weird.

* * *

"Awww. He was keeping her safe and he shared his favorite snacks. Wasn't that sweet?" cooed Kaylee.

The mechanic, Companion, and first mate crowded together to peer out the small window of the door leading from Inara's shuttle. They hadn't wanted to interrupt the pair outside.

Zoe observed, "Jayne is turning out to be remarkably sweet where River is concerned."

Inara smiled. "I don't believe he has noticed the change yet though."

Quirking an eyebrow, the first mate returned the Companion's smile. "I do believe you're right."

The mechanic sighed. "He'll figure it out soon. He has to."

The first mate and the Companion exchanged looks before Zoe finally relented and asked the question. "Why?"

"Because they're gonna be so cute when they cuddle." Kaylee giggled.

Inara smiled. "I don't think Simon or Mal will see it quite that way."

"They've had so much fun plotting, but I don't believe they have fully prepared themselves for the end game to this scenario."

"Nope. That's why it's gonna be so cute." Kaylee's eyes twinkled as she giggled gleefully.


	5. Chapter 5

Training with a Twist (Part One) /u

The entire crew of Serenity ranged around the cargo bay at various levels of attention. Mal held center court on the bay floor with Zoe and Simon standing stiffly straight to his sides and behind him. Kaylee and Inara sat on the catwalk between the stairs, legs dangling over the edge; well, the Companion sat tranquilly with her ankles crossed while the mechanic swung her legs back and forth bursting with cheerfulness as usual. The deadliest two members of the group lounged side by side against a large crate watching the Captain; the merc stifled a yawn and the pilot stared without blinking.

Used to River's unyielding gaze, Mal ignored the tickle at the back of his neck and cleared his throat. "Y'all are probably wonderin' why I called ya here. Not that I called all of ya here." He glanced briefly up at the catwalk. "But, here y'all are none the less."

"We plannin' crime today, Cap'n?" enquired Kaylee enthusiastically.

"No, I'm sorry to disappoint you, li'l darlin', but, today, we are not plannin' crime." Mal paused briefly as his mechanic's excitement dimmed, her legs stopped swinging and she crossed her arms in a pout. "We'll be doin' that later after dinner."

Smilin' sunnily as only she could, Kaylee returned to her happy demeanor. She inquired gaily, "Well, what are we doin' now, then?"

"As I said earlier, when I arranged this little get together, _we_ are not doin' anything." Everyone not called to the meeting, all two of them, ignored this transparently unsubtle hint to leave. The Captain sighed and continued, "However, to answer your question, I have decided my crew could use a little cross-trainin' to make our crime run more smoothly."

Frownin', Jayne straightened up slightly from his slouch. "If you're expectin' me to fix the engine like Kaylee or people like the Doc, ya know it'll either blow up or someone'll bleed out cuz they ain't my--"

"No, Jayne, I don't expect you to learn those jobs. Those jobs are very specialized in a… special way in which you are not… special."

Jayne's normally grumpy expression contorted into one of confusion as he tried to work out that sentence and decide if he was offended by what it might have implied.

Amid many eyebrow raisings, the others' gazes pingponged between the merc and the Captain as they waited to see if Jayne would decipher the remark, and thus throw a temper tantrum before the meeting moved on.

Frustrated at the wastin' of time and the imminent possibility of a mercenary meltdown, Mal waved his own comment off then continued, "Like I was sayin', cross-trainin' is on the agenda for today."

Kaylee barreled forward with her animated questionin'. "Whose trainings will be crossed?"

"As you were not called to this meeting, it obviously will not be you."

"Oh, I know, Cap'n. I was just wonderin' who was gonna be teachin'. I always thought teachin' would be fun, especially if it was about my girl."

Mal smiled at his mechanic. "Yes, well, you are irreplaceable--"

"Yes, Cap'n. Thank you, Cap'n. But what if I am laid up in the infirmary like I was after that Fed shot me--"

"I guess we would just have to make do--"

"Or if a bounty hunter shot Simon again--"

"He's not wanted anymore--"

"Well, not now, but bein' in our kind of work it could happen again--"

Disregardin' Simon's cheerless noddin' behind him, Mal stressed, "It could." Lowerin' his gaze back to his hired weapons, he explained, "However, we're not here to dwell on the negative. We are instead here to expand our repertoire--"

"Our rep-a-what?" asked Jayne.

"Our catalogue of knowledge--"

"Knowledge of what?"

"Our arsenal of death, Jayne."

"Oh, that's all right then. Sounds like fun. So how are we gonna expand our arsenal of death?" The mercenary asked eagerly.

"What I want is for River to teach you some of her less brutal--"

Zoe, Inara and Kaylee exchanged looks of skepticism. So this was their latest big matchmaking stratagem? The former soldier faithfully retained her neutral expression despite the compelling desire to roll her eyes. Years of training allowed the Companion to mostly stifle the automatic lift of her immaculately shaped eyebrows. However, the mechanic had to cover her mouth to muffle her snort.

The Captain and the Doctor were too focused on their plotting to notice.

Swivelin' his head around to glance at the other crewmembers, Jayne asked, "Teach who?"

"Whom," corrected River.

The mercenary rolled his eyes but amended his question anyway. "Teach _whom_?"

The girl smiled softly in approval, but Jayne certainly didn't care and wouldn't have even spotted her change in expression except for his excellent peripheral vision. He had absolutely no reason to look to the moonbrain for any form of approval so her smile didn't make him feel in the least bit warm; Kaylee must simply have the enviro controls cranked up too high.

The women smiled faintly at the unconsciously symbiotic relationship the volatile pair had formed. Perhaps Mal and Simon's latest ludicrous tactic might work after all. They tried not to show their hesitant anticipation.

The Captain and the Doctor remained oblivious to such blatant subtlety.

"Teach you, Jayne."

"Teach me!" growled Jayne, this time for sure offended by the Captain's speech. Completely straightenin' up from his slouch, he pointed at the startled girl and snarled, "I've been a merc since before she was even in school--"

"Never went to school. Teachers didn't like her. Had tutors at home."

Jayne blinked but refused to let this latest unpleasant tidbit about the girl's previous life force him off track. He already knew the girl was beyond school smart so it really wasn't surprisin' to hear she'd never needed to go. The fact that she'd been stuck at home alone with only some servants and Simon to talk with didn't affect anything in the here and now. Okay, maybe he'd actually agree the next time she begged him to play jacks, or hide-n-seek, or whatever other childish game she could think up, but that was it. It didn't make his chest ache at all; it was simply gas built up from Simon's latest attempt at lunch. "Fine. Before she even had tutors--"

"How old was he when he began?" interrupted River again. She turned toward the merc, lifting her troubled gaze to his face.

Eyebrows drawin' together, Jayne shifted around and squinted down at the pilot. "Hunh?" There she went derailin' him again. She was always derailin' his thought processes. Weren't rightly fair. He didn't wander about confusin' her.

"She was three when she outgrew her nanny's lessons and tutors were brought in to quiet her incessant questioning at the dinner table."

"Three!"

"Yes. Was that too old?" Wide-eyed, River stared up at him.

The merc snorted. "Too old! Too old for what--" He held up his hands. "Nevermind, don't answer that. And will ya please let me finish what I was sayin' to Mal?"

"She only wanted to prevent him from speaking an untruth," muttered the pilot as she crossed her arms petulantly.

"Thank you." Watchin' the crazy girl's bottom lip puff out dangerously, Jayne responded automatically, tryin' to keep her from a full-on pout. He couldn't take it when she did that, made him itch all over. "But, honestly, it don't really matter none. It's just an expression. Means I've been at this awhile, and I don't need no teenager to tell me how to do my job."

"She would not be _telling_ him what to do."

"Well, that's what Mal wants--"

"Captain Daddy only wants her to help him--"

"I don't need no help."

"Obviously he thinks so."

"Well, he's wrong, and it's not like this'll be the first time he's been--"

Increasingly irritated by this grating interruption to his carefully choreographed matchmakin', Mal loudly cleared his throat. When the lethal pair's attention returned to him, he declared, "I would like to get back to the listenin' to the Captain portion of the program."

"Mal, I don't need--"

"I need, Jayne. _I_ need. And because I am the boss, what I need comes first. _Dong ma_?"

"Yeah, Mal," grumbled the merc as he sullenly crossed his arms and resumed his slouch.

"Good. Now, as I was sayin'--"

"Why's Zoe here?" wondered Jayne, completely unconcerned about interruptin' the Captain again. If he was gonna hafta be humiliated by takin' directions from such a bitty girl, he didn't appreciate it happenin' in front of the whole gorram crew if they wasn't necessary.

Mal blinked. "Hunh?"

"Ya already said Kaylee and 'Nara--"

"Implied Inara," corrected River.

"Said that Kaylee and _implied_ that 'Nara weren't needed. So what's Zoe here for?"

The Captain turned and looked at Zoe, who slanted an eyebrow, seconding the question. "Zoe's here because she's… ah… because she's my first mate and she's here to do… first mately things," enlightened Mal lamely.

Zoe's eyebrow shot higher. If all she was going to do was stand around trying not to laugh, she figured she could do that from a more comfortable location. "Maybe I should do those first mately things off the bay floor, Sir? As it seems the floor will soon be busy."

"Ah, yeah. That's a good idea there, Zo'. Why don't you move on up--" Mal stopped talking when he realized his first mate was a step ahead of him as usual and had already begun ascending the stairs to the catwalk. "Yeah, you can keep them company and make sure they don't interfere in any… interferin' way."

This time, Inara allowed her eyebrows to peak, and Kaylee snorted without even attempting to cover the sound. Zoe merely nodded her head. "Yes, Sir. Good idea, Sir."

Mal scanned the women's faces suspiciously as his first mate sat to the other side of his mechanic, but he decided to let the subject drop so he could get back to the real reason for this meeting: the fake cross-training. He had never realized how much harder this matchmakin' thing was than it appeared from the outside. Not that he would tell Simon that. The younger man simply didn't know how to stick with things when the goin' got tough. At least the younger man didn't if a person ignored the whole rescuin' his sister from a secret government organization intent on 'verse domination, which the Captain more than happily did.

"So, once more, as I was sayin'--"

"What's the Doc here for then?" interrupted Jayne, yet again. Ain't no way he was gonna be embarrassed in front of the girl's still stuffy brother.

Tryin' to remain unruffled despite his hired gun's constant disruptions, Mal gritted his teeth. He decided it was no wonder Jayne had to pay for sex because the larger man obviously didn't have a romantic bone in his body. Couldn't the merc feel the romance in the air? The Captain tightly explained, "He's here to take care of any medical issues that might pop up."

Simon lifted his medical bag in response.

The women on the catwalk winced. The only thing likely to get a workout now was the mercenary's protective instinct. Mal and Simon would be lucky if the man so much as broke the girl's personal space. So thoughtless a miscue when this current foolish plan had begun to look so promising.

Straightenin' to his full height, Jayne turned his now very puzzled, and more than slightly enraged, gaze on the Doctor. "You're gonna let me actually _hit_ your sister?"

River snorted.

Eyes narrowin', the mercenary's gaze swung back to peer down at the girl still standin' at his side. "You don't think I can hit ya?"

River's left eyebrow rose, and a smirk tilted the corners of her mouth.

"I can so hit ya." The anger and confusion faded from his countenance to be replaced by a very manly pout.

"Try," giggled the now openly grinning girl.

"I ain't gonna hit a girl."

"He did before."

Jayne rolled his eyes. "You'd just gone and slashed me, and still had the knife in your hand. 'Course I hit ya. I didn't know what you was gonna do next." The memory did produce an unexpected twinge of discomfort. He'd never really felt bad about hittin' someone who was threatenin' him before, but his jaw clenched somethin' fierce when he remembered the feel of her skin breakin' under his knuckle. He must be gettin' soft. Or the moonbrain was tryin' to derail him once more. Suspicious, he squinted down at her again.

"The knife is still in the galley. She could--"

Simon squeaked, "No--" This was getting out of hand. He should put a stop to this madness. He didn't know why he let the Captain--

Loudly projecting his captainly voice, Mal intervened quickly, "No. No knives, li'l one. No weapons of any kind. This is all straight hand-to-hand."

"But if he won't--"

"I ain't playin' with you at all if ya get that knife."

"He never plays with her." Finally, after that unfortunately brief delay for the grin, River's face reached full petulance.

Steadfastly ignorin' the crazy girl's pout, Jayne silently thanked Buddha she hadn't added tears for maximum damage before assurin' her out loud, "And that's gonna continue if there's a knife involved."

"What about a pretend knife?" queried River.

The hired gun blinked bewilderedly. "Pretend?"

"If she slashes at him with a pretend knife, will he attempt to engage her in combat as Captain Daddy wishes?"

"I don't want to tussle with ya. I already know you can kick my ass if ya took the mind to, and I ain't dumb enough to want it to happen again."

"She does not wish to kick his ass. She wishes to prevent him from getting his ass kicked," assured River earnestly.

"I ain't gonna get my--"

"She did it."

Defensively, Jayne grumbled, "So? You're kinda not normal. Ain't another even remotely like ya in the whole gorram 'verse. Why for do I hafta learn to defend against you? Ya plannin' on goin' nutters on us again?"

"No, she has no desire to impersonate a hard-shelled fruit." The pilot bit her lip as she stared unwaveringly at the mercenary. Apprehensive about the large man's continued health, she asserted, "However, no matter how not normal this girl is, she was not the only one at the Academy in training. She would wish Jayne to be defended against any attacks by her classmates."

Jayne ignored the pang he felt at the girl's surprisin' concern. He didn't want to fight with moonbrain 'cause she was teensy, and it weren't seemly for someone like him to go hittin' on her whether he had her obviously worthless brother's permission or not. Besides, there weren't no way he was gonna do anything that might wound her again. He'd been there and done that and didn't at all like the rock in his throat when he remembered it. Stickin' to his guns, he reminded, "Ya ain't wanted no more, and we ain't important enough for the 'Liance to send anymore of them psychic assassins after us. Y'all cost too much."

Oddly hurt by his unwillingness to engage in battle scenarios with her, River pursed her lips in contemplation. She had to find a way to convince him of the benefit to such training. Then he'd be better protected so her stomach wouldn't clench and she wouldn't need to spend all those hours pacing when she grudging let him off-world alone where he could get into all manner of trouble. Her countenance cleared momentarily as an idea coalesced then she slyly peeked at the mercenary from beneath her lashes.

Everyone held their breath as the cunning expression settled on the pilot's face.

Zoe's eyebrows rose. Inara's eyes twinkled. Kaylee leaned dangerously forward.

Mal and Simon were simply glad to finally have one of the pair helping the plan along, even if unwittingly.

Recognizin' that look, Jayne gulped and tensed himself to stand firm against crazy's wiles.

"Perhaps he would then be able to best her." When the gun for hire uneasily shifted his weight, River pinned him with the full shrewdness of her gaze and said with a growing smirk, "Or at least learn how to last longer than 30 seconds so that backup might have an opportunity to arrive."

"Well…" Jayne shifted his weight again, this time fidgeting excitedly at the thought of bein' able to wipe that smirk from her face even if only once. Sure she was tiny but so was a grenade. Besides, he realized she wasn't gonna let him hurt her none so it really didn't make no sense not to wrestle with her a bit. Whether Mal believed it or not, he knew he had enough control not to harm her. And, not that he'd ever acknowledge it out loud, but there was the off chance that he'd learn something new and helpful for the job.

Biting her lip to prevent the formation of a triumphant smile, River inquired impatiently, "He will tussle with her?"

Shruggin' nonchalantly in an attempt to ease the eager tensin' of his shoulders, Jayne muttered, "Maybe a little." He looked her dead in the eye to set some rules first though. "But nothin' funny. No crushin' my nethers again neither, might wanna have kids some day."

The girl tilted her head to the side as if to better study this new aspect of the mercenary. "Jayne would wish to procreate in the future?"

"I ain't had no wish to yet, but I like to keep my options open." He'd never really thought he would want any, and always made sure it didn't happen. But recently, the thought of li'l rugrats totin' toy guns around the ship kept poppin' up in his brain. He didn't need no crazy girl to go meddlin' with his future possibilities.

Zoe, Kaylee, and Inara silently shared a collective wow. Jayne was considering parenthood? Things were definitely progressing. Much farther than even they had gauged. However, they realized forlornly that the lethal twosome remained quite oblivious to the changing nature of their relationship. If only the women could get Mal and Simon to stop interfering, this show might finally get into gear.

Straightening dutifully, River stared up into the merc's eyes and solemnly assured, "She will do no further harm to his reproductive capabilities."

Jayne nodded shortly. "Fine. Where we gonna do this?" He asked as he inspected the half-filled cargo bay.

River surveyed the room until her gaze stopped on the Captain, who shifted uncomfortably at the scrutiny. "We'll stand where Captain Daddy is now."

Mal and Simon moved over to the side of the bay to better observe the pair moving to the center floor.

Stopping at the clearest portion of the bay, River commanded, "He should approach her from behind." She promptly turned her back to the advancing merc.

His momentary eagerness wanin' rapidly, Jayne halted skeptically several feet from the girl. He painfully recalled bein' in this position before. With narrowed eyes, he searched her slender back then reminded, "Ya ain't suppo--"

River sighed then frowned over her shoulder at him. "She already vowed not to turn Jayne's testicles into _gorram earrings_."

"Okay, just makin' sure." The merc stepped toward the pilot but once again stopped before reachin' her.

"Wait."

Annoyed, River swung around to argue but stopped her words to watch Jayne turn to question Mal.

"What am I gonna teach her?"

The Captain blinked at the unforeseen question. "What?"

"You said we was cross-trainin'. What're we crossin'?"

"Um." Mal blinked again. When did his hired gun start making such detailed observations? Wasn't rightly fair for the larger man to go and disrupt such a solid matchmaking scheme with nitpicky questions.

As time stretched with the question still hangin' in the air, Jayne's face darkened. Was this what the conspiracy was all about? Were they tryin' to tell him he wasn't necessary no more now that the girl was mostly sane? He glowered at the Captain.

A light went off at the merc's dark look, and Mal brightened. "I want you to teach River how to look more intimidatin'. So's she won't be quite as likely to be attract the wrong type of attention in town."

Jayne's expression lightened a little as he looked down at the waif-like girl 'cause she definitely needed help in that area but showed mostly mystification as his gaze swung back up to Mal. "What do ya want me to do? Forcefeed her? Cuz she ain't ever gonna look intimidatin' at her size."

Mal shrugged. Why did the mercenary have to keep makin' this so gorram difficult? He'd already answered the gorram question, and it was an inspired answer if he said so himself, which he did. Annoyed, he waved off the particulars. "We'll work out those pesky details later. Right now, we are workin' on this. She is teachin' you. Now. So get to it."

Inwardly cursing his own stupidity for allowing the Captain to talk him into this ridiculous scheme, Simon's hands tensed on his medical bag. This whole socialization scenario made less and less sense as it became quite apparent that neither River nor Jayne could be in a room together without quarrelling. No healthy relationship could spring from this amount of heat.

The women on the catwalk held their breath. Could this actually work?

Once more, Jayne approached River, stoppin' directly behind her. As he looked down over her shoulder, he glanced past her pretty dress and upswept hair with the glitterin' hairclip as unimportantly girly, but noticed something else that made him hop back right quick.

The Doctor couldn't decide if he was happy or sad to see the mercenary jump away from his sister, but his bag would have screamed in pain if it had vocal chords.

The women sighed and recognized this half-baked plan could grow very interesting. They preferred these seats to peeking out through the shuttle door's minute window, but wished for snacks because this was going to be a long afternoon.

Mal tried not to snarl.

Shakin' his head vehemently, the merc growled, "I can't tussle with her. She ain't wearin' any ruttin' shoes."

Everyone inspected River's as usual bare feet.

Rollin' his eyes, Mal reminded, "She never wears shoes."

"Yeah, but I ain't usually this close to her neither. I step wrong and I'll break her li'l bare toes. I ain't breakin' her toes," stated Jayne with finality.

The Captain clenched his jaw at the man's perpetual disobedience. This was his gorram boat. Why could no one remember that minor fact?

"He never cared before," pouted River, exasperated by the merc's latest evasion.

"Well, I care now, and I ain't doin' it." Jayne crossed his arms and glared at the room, daring them to challenge his decision.

"I can go get her boots--" offered Simon. The moment would be delayed longer plus he could get out of the bay for some deep calming breaths. It was a win-win situation.

"No. No. No." A clearly frustrated Mal turned to his public relations officer. "Take off your boots."

"What?"

The Captain forced out between gritted teeth. "Take. Off. Your. Boots."

Frownin', Jayne stared first at Mal then uncrossed his arms to stare down at his own leather clad feet then back up to Mal.

"If you're not wearin' boots either, you won't break her i _li'l bare toes_ /i ," clarified the fuming Captain.

"I'm still bigger than--"

"Now, Jayne," barked Mal.

After glowerin' at both the Captain for the stupid order and the moonbrain for her ruttin' perpetual shoelessness, Jayne stomped over to sit down on a crate where he could easily strip off his boots. He grumbled under his breath as he jerked them open and yanked them off then dropped them on the crate next to him. He was more cautious with the socks, carefully removin' them and foldin' them neatly before gently insertin' them into their respective boots. They were from his mother.

Finally barefooted, he stomped back over the cold grate floor to the girl. He didn't know how she could walk around without shoes. It was all manner of senseless. And ruttin' uncomfortable, too.

Clapping his hands, Mal unclenched his jaw and asked brightly, "Are we ready to get under way this time?"

Jayne nodded reluctantly.

River smiled at the Captain and then turned her back to the mercenary. "Grab her like at the Maidenhead."

Grimacin', Jayne leaned over, slingin' his arms around her upper arms.

River frowned over her shoulder at him. "He was closer before. Her movement is not nearly as restricted."

The merc rolled his eyes but obediently stepped closer and tightened his hold until her back was flush with his chest. His nostrils flared as the moonbrain's scent wafted up and threw off his concentration as usual. That smell always made him hungry, though he hadn't found anything to fill the cravin' yet, not even oatmeal itself. Ignorin' the gnawin' ache in his belly, he tuned back in when the girl began to speak.

"The reason why this hold is ineffectual is that it does not prevent movement of her lower arms." She demonstrated by swinging her hands around with her right hand moving toward the mercenary's groin.

"Hey!" He yelped and shifted his hips away from her nearin' hand.

Stomping her foot and narrowly missing his big bare toes, River grumbled, "She is not going to crush his nethers. She has promised repeatedly. Besides, she has no interest in touching his groin."

Offended for some unknown reason, Jayne huffed, "Well, I ain't got no interest in you touchin' my groin."

"She would never have touched his groin in the first place had she not been under mind control and unable to control her actions."

Insulted once more, Jayne opened his mouth to respond.

"Enough with the groin!" roared Mal.

Simon jerked at the loud noise, but the words barely registered. Thoroughly stupefied by the conversation, he realized he really never needed to hear his sister discuss touching someone's groin, especially a man's, particularly when that man was Jayne. Somehow, his brain conveniently managed to overlook the current design to set up his _mei mei_ with said mercenary and any possible groinal touchage which might occur in such a relationship. Open-mouthed, he tugged on his ear in an attempt to return to the sanity he vaguely recalled possessing prior to this whole matchmaking plot.

Kaylee muffled her snickers by burying her face in Inara's silk-covered shoulder. Recognizing the young woman's mirth might inadvertently interrupt the proceedings, the Companion and the former soldier wrapped loose arms around the mechanic. Inara soothingly patted the Kaylee's knee while Zoe patted her back as if she was choking rather than laughing in case any of the others looked up.

Silent now, River and Jayne frowned at the Captain for his intrusion into their conversation.

Mal rubbed at the throbbin' headache formin' between his eyes. When the killer pair blinked petulantly at him, he commanded, "Jayne stop bein' a problem. Move on, li'l witch."

"Why am I the problem?"

"Because I say you are. Now, both of you get back to what I told ya to do."

Sulkin' mightily as only an overgrown boy of a mercenary could, Jayne tightened his hold around the girl again and tried to concentrate on whatever insanity Mal thought this would accomplish. River patted Jayne's thigh in sympathy when his chin dropped down onto the crown of her head as he slumped forward in unhappiness. The mercenary blinked at the unexpected contact and couldn't stop his leg's automatic twitch at the soft touch of a woman… girl… girl-type-woman. He blinked again.

When the muscle jumped under her palm, River flushed and quickly removed her hand in unanticipated embarrassment. Rapidly returning to the soothing logic of her lesson, she raised her hands and instructed, "He should grasp her wrists with his opposite hands and lock them to her upper torso. Then he should tuck his elbows in against his ribcage to prevent her from harming him with her elbows."

Confused and uncertain, Jayne hesitated to follow the girl's directions. Something weird was goin' on. All the instincts that'd kept him alive this long screamed at him, but they were all yellin' at the same time so he couldn't figure out exactly where the problem lay. He couldn't tell anymore if Mal and Simon were the source. Kaylee, Zoe, and 'Nara's random smiles had caused a double take or two. And River was supposed to be helpin' him, but recently, he kept gettin' strange vibes when she was around too. None of it made sense. Even more disorientated than before, he frowned at the back of the pilot's head.

Kaylee clutched Inara's and Zoe's hands against her stomach at Jayne's contemplative scowl. Was comprehension really this close? She held breath and tightened her grips. She'd grabbed the women's hands in excitement when the merc'd all but cuddled the diminutive pilot to his chest for comfort like a favorite teddy bear. And when River had patted the large man's thigh, the Companion and the former soldier had effectively secured their free hands over their captured ones to prevent the mechanic from clapping in her exuberance, carefully toning down any responses so as not to startle the volatile couple into premature flight.

Glowering at his unwilling hired gun, Mal tried to comprehend why this whole situation became only more and more frustrating the harder he and Simon worked. Jayne was supposed to show an interest in River's assassin training so she could start seeing him as something beyond just… Jayne. However, the merc's outright refusal to work with her was unlikely to be seen as either endearing or manly. He'd been all obsessed with that spoon, but now, for some reason, he demonstrated no curiosity about her capacity for effective violence. The merc loved his violence yet he continued to actively resist engaging in violent activities with the girl. Why couldn't the man follow the gorram plan? Where was his head?

Jayne did not want to do this. Whatever the meanin' of the odd vibes, he did not want to accidentally injure the girl. He was too big and too rough. And whether or not the moonbrain was secretly plannin' to fillet him when he dropped his guard, he recognized she shouldn't know these violent type things anyway. Super smart, Core-girl like her should not understand how to takedown or evade a much larger opponent, or any opponent. Just thinkin' about what that gorram Academy did to River made him madder than he'd ever been. This time when he frowned, he didn't see the back of her head at all.

Simon desperately tried to remain composed and remember this was all in his sister's best interest. She needed some normalish socialization with someone who wasn't afraid of her. Although the mercenary seemed to be demonstrating some irregular apprehension, the Doctor still believed, when he could vaguely recall the reasons, that the larger man fit the bill as well as could be expected while they were leading this life of wanted criminals. Proper cotillion escorts were rare while stealing through the Black.

Forcin' himself to re-focus on the task, Jayne changed his hold on the girl by gently graspin' her proffered wrists. Bein' careful not to squeeze hard enough to bruise her, he twisted his big hands around her slender wrists until he had her arms safely secured against her chest. Then he wrapped his arms underneath hers and tucked in his elbows.

"Now, she is not only unable to reach his groin, but also with his arm strength binding her to him, she cannot wield her elbows as weapons. However, this position leaves both her head and legs available for weaponization."

River demonstrated by carefully bumping Jayne's chin with her head, stepping lightly on his right instep, and wrapping her left leg around his knee. Jayne shifted his stance instinctively to accommodate her slight weight and avoid them toppling over.

"To avert damage from her head, he should force her head to the side and secure it to his shoulder."

Rollin' his eyes, Jayne carefully nudged River's head to the side with his jaw and laid his cheek across her temple to lock her head against his shoulder. He tried to concentrate on her continuin' lesson, but he hated this whole idea and schoolin' had never been his strong suit anyways. So his mind began to blindly skip away, buoyed by the unconscious distraction of her elevated scent, the slide of her smooth skin against his stubble, and the sweet tickle of her hair on his neck.

"Now, the danger is from her legs--"

As River droned on with her most likely enlightenin' but definitely unwanted instructions, Jayne completely tuned out. The quiet warmth of their embrace calmed his frayed nerves, and his mind drifted merrily about as he rocked back on his heels, absorbin' the negligible burden of the girl's body. This was quite nice actually, standin' here with his arms full of womanly warmth, surrounded by her delicious scent, listenin' to her smooth voice. Those gun-totin' little hellions stole back through his mind, and he realized he'd hafta start lookin' for their mother soon. But where did a crusty ol' gunslinger find an even partially sane woman willin' to travel with him through the Black on a smugglin' ship? He sighed forlornly and hefted the girl higher against his chest to ease the kink developin' in his back from leanin' down so far. Fallin' straight back into his daydream, he never even heard her undignified squeak and the followin' deafenin' silence in the bay.

The surrounding crew stared disbelievingly at the center pair, watching River's eyes round as her feet now dangled nearly a foot off the floor.

Simon's mouth dropped open, and Mal stifled his reflexive desire to shoot his security.

Kaylee bit her lip and barely managed to smother her instinctive snort. Inara and Zoe maintained carefully sculpted impartial expressions though their eyes sparkled with amusement.

At first, River hung limply in Jayne's arms as she waited for him to re-focus on the now. She experienced no discomfort from this new position rather she felt perplexed merely because she was not attempting to evade the contact. In fact, she decided the hold would have been quite relaxing if only the man remembered she was here. As the seconds ticked by without so much as a twinge from the mercenary, she edged toward somewhat perturbed. He really had completely forgotten her existence. He didn't even i _notice_ /i her. Her nose flared at his indifference. He was obviously daydreaming about things she was certain she would never want to be acquainted with, people and places much more engrossing than here and now. Repressing the initial tremble of her lip, she decided such treatment was intolerable and she would put an end to it immediately.

Trying to reignite Jayne's awareness without resorting to knocking him down, River flailed her legs about. She knew he'd be mad for days, perhaps months, if she took him down in front of everyone again. She did not wish to endure yet another of his prolonged sulks, nor the constant cajoling it took to achieve a modicum of forgiveness. However, she was becoming ever more agitated at his distraction because she was not some sort of gorram dangling necklace. She was a person. Gorramit. It was time he started seeing her as such, she decided as she writhed impotently in the ungallant ox's unrelenting arms.

Observing his hired gun's continued glassy expression and inattention to the increasin' struggles of his pilot, Mal doggedly prevented himself from yellin' once more. Even if it would make him feel better, he knew raisin' his voice was not goin' to help the situation. He rubbed a hand over his face, tryin' to relax his clenched jaw before it could snap in two. This had to be matchmakin' hell.

Although the man's inattention was ruining today's matchmaking chaos, Simon was impressed by his ability to tune out the world around him. It meant thoughts of some kind might actually live up there in Jayne's brain. He wondered how much longer his sweet _mei mei_ would tolerate this behavior before making the mercenary bleed. As the time wore on, he began mentally cataloguing the necessary drugs and supplies he would need to patch up the soon to be injured man.

Pushed beyond her limits, River howled angrily, "He won't do it properly!" Her patience had long since abandoned her and her politely strenuous struggles neared the fiercely unpleasant.

Jayne blinked at the strident tone of her voice. Finally re-emergin' from his daydream, he noticed the girl's contortions but wasn't certain when or why they'd started. He was still holdin' her like she'd taught him, although now, she was a bit more difficult to restrain. Why were her knickers in such a twist? He growled, "I've done everything ya told me to do!"

"He isn't even paying attention to her!"

Jayne grimaced. So she'd noticed his momentary distraction? The moonbrain hated to be ignored. She'd be mad about this for days perhaps months, especially cuz he'd done it in front of everybody, and she wasn't likely to forgive him anytime soon. As he was obviously already screwed, he decided to play for a better result and bluff. "Obviously I'm payin' attention to ya. I'm holdin' ya the way ya said to. Ain't I? So where's the problem?"

River stilled and her mouth dropped open at his audacity. Was the merc really trying to _bluff her_? Her lips moved but no sound emerged.

Dippin' his mouth farther behind her ear, Jayne smirked delightedly at the moonbrain's nonverbal response. He'd shocked her silent. He suppressed the snicker though cuz she'd for certain put the hurt on him for that.

River felt his smirk against her ear and seriously considered kicking her heel up into his nethers in retaliation. Furious and wounded by his boorish behavior, she slithered roughly in his arms, trying to free herself, but only succeeding in partially yanking some of her hair from her barrette trapped under his chin. Language elongating in her dismay, she shouted with a waver, "The problem is he preferred to ponder thoughts of others and demonstrate disdain for this girl rather than properly participate in her impromptu tutorial as mandated by their captain!"

The fragile tremor beneath her hollerin' wiped the smirk from Jayne's face. Swallowin' past the reoccurrin' lump in his throat, he forced himself to continue the bluff, which would have been much easier if he'd fully understood what she'd said. "If I'd wanted schoolin', I woulda gone to school! Besides, I've still done everything ya told me to do! Ya ain't told me what to do with your legs yet!" At least he hoped she hadn't. He braced himself for the imminent pain in case she had.

Stunned again, River stilled, blinking in bafflement once more. She hadn't actually instructed him to perform any other actions. But she knew he wouldn't have heard her anyway. She _knew_ he wasn't listening; that's why she hadn't continued the lecture. This was his fault, not hers.

"But…"

Jayne almost sighed in relief, but swallowed that tell. He'd managed to misdirect her. Now, he simply needed to goad her temper a little more to clear the air of the suffocatin' strain of her distress. He growled into her ear, "But what?"

"But… he is not _trying_!" wailed River plaintively. First, he had ignored her, and now, he was deliberately trying to provoke her. Indignation rose in her breast.

Refusin' to let the guilt tear him down, he argued, "Am so! If I wasn't tryin', I'd be asleep in my bunk!"

"Then he should go back to his bunk! Because he is merely sleepwalking through this assignment!"

"I ain't sleepwalkin' through nothin'!"

"Only his body is here, not his mind!"

Jayne scowled. She had a point there, _as always_. Gorramit.

"She refuses to accept his bulk without his brain!"

"No one else has complained!" No one else cared either. Gorram girl always demanded more of him.

"She is complaining!"

"Well, stop complainin' and tell me what ya want me to do! I ain't a ruttin' mindreader like you!"

Highly offended, River reminded him rather loudly, "She does not read his mind!"

Jayne nearly smacked himself for makin' the situation worse. Anger was fine, upsetting her was not. Why in the ruttin' hell did he mention the mindreadin'? Could he have said anything dumber? Probably, but best to push forward anyways. "Ya don't gotta read my mind! I already done told ya what I wanted! Tell me what to do next so we can get this stupid lesson over!"

"Her lesson is not stupid!"

Definitely something dumber. Arg. Backpeddle faster. "It ain't your lesson that's stupid! It's the fact that Mal thinks I need to be taught that's stupid!"

No longer listening and near to tears at Jayne's callousness, River renewed her struggles and began kicking his shins with her heels. She did not wish for him to continue touching her. Their contact upset her now. Hair flying in fury, she fought for full liberation.

"Ow! Stop it!"

"She demands he put her down immediately!"

"We ain't finished--"

"She _is_ finished!"

"I let ya go, and Mal'll just be mad at me!"

Too late.

"Captain Daddy should be mad at him! He has not behaved well at all!"

Finally, River had endured enough and kicked the mercenary in the knee, forcing him to release her.

"Ow! That ruttin' hurt!" groused Jayne as he balanced on one foot while rubbin' his bruised knee. She was supposed to get angry, not violent. Now, he was more than a mite mad himself.

River rounded on him and snarled, "It was supposed to!"

The deadly pair sneered at one another.

More composed now that she was free from his contamination, River threw back her head and added snarkily, "If he had listened to her teachings, she would not have been able to wound him so easily!"

River and Jayne stepped toward each other. She glared up into his sinister face and he leaned down into her incensed one.

The combatants were now toe to toe, quite literally.

At that recognition, Kaylee nearly choked on the unruly giggles attempting to escape her throat. Zoe tightened her arm around the younger woman's shaking shoulders as Inara clasped both of the mechanic's hand between hers; they were both experienced enough to allow the undeniable laughter to erupt later, someplace far away from casual observation.

"_Easily_! It took ya how long before I _chose_ to let you go?"

"She _allowed_ him to restrain her only until she could no longer tolerate his touch!"

A muscle in Jayne's cheek jerked. But that didn't mean nothin', and the only reason he felt chilled was cuz he didn't have on his gorram boots. "Don't matter. I never wanted to touch ya anyways! I only did it cuz it's my job!"

Unwilling to acknowledge the sting created by his words, River derided, "His _job_ was to learn from her greater knowledge! He failed!"

"I ain't failed nothin'! You're the one who quit!"

The mercenary practically breathed fire across the pilot's cheeks, buffeting the escaped tendrils of hair obscuring her face.

"He has failed because he has not tried!"

Okay. One more romantic idea shot down by his guns. At least they had good aim. Mal rolled his eyes then muttered to Simon, "This is gettin' us nowhere." Raising his voice, he announced, "Well, we're off to make a start on dinner. You two keep on workin' on the assignment."

Neither Jayne nor River stopped their argument long enough to acknowledge the new order, and whether or not they'd actually even heard it would have been up for only a very short debate. However, Kaylee waved, Inara smiled, and Zoe nodded briefly at the men who were stiffly removing themselves from the cargo bay. The women had eagerly turned back to the show before the men could respond in kind.

"I already told ya I am tryin'!"

"He's not trying to _fight_ with her!"

Mal drug a hand through his hair. With continued self-restraint, he nearly bit through his tongue at the last bit of diatribe he heard from his uncooperative employees. As soon as they were past hearing distance, he turned to the Doctor and snarled, "What is wrong with those two?"

Simon nearly ran into the unexpectedly stationary man. "I don't--"

"Don't they realize how much work we've put into this?"

"I should hope not--"

Unable to stand still, Mal resumed his trek to the galley without breaking the conversation. "We had the romantic setting."

The Doctor blinked at the Captain's back. "It's the cargo bay."

"It's _hand-to-hand combat_ in the cargo bay. What could be more romantic for a pair of hired killers?"

"I don't think my sister is merely a--"

Mal abruptly whipped around and halted the trek once again. "How is my li'l albatross supposed to see my merc as a man when he behaves so childishly whenever he's around her?"

Once more, only his excellent reflexes prevented Simon from crashing into the Captain. He began, "I--"

"He was obsessed with that spoon. Remember how obsessed he was with that spoon? Where did that passion go?"

"I--"

"All he had to do was notice her so she could notice him. That was it. How hard is that?"

"Well, I--"

Annoyed by the young doctor's lack of helpful conversation, Mal began walking to the mess again. He waved his arms about in pantomime as he described, "You even had her wear that pretty blue dress with the flowy skirt and the lacey top. It fit and everything. And her hair was pulled back out of her face in that shiny hairclip thingy that Kaylee gave her so he could see her big eyes and pouty lips. And she totally had the pout goin' today. How could he not notice?"

"Maybe he did--"

"When? When did he notice? I never noticed him noticin' and I was noticin' whether he noticed or not."

"Um--" As far as Simon was concerned this conversation merely became more and more absurd the longer it continued. Of course, the same could be, and often had been, said about this entire matchmaking concept.

"He argued. He complained. He daydreamed about Buddha knows what. However, he did not notice your sister. He barely looked at her, wouldn't sustain eye-contact at all unless they were screamin' into each other's faces. How is she supposed to decide he is a man of interest if he shows no interest in her?" Suddenly, Mal stopped dead in the hallway again. "Maybe he did something?" He turned to the Doctor. "Did he do something?"

Prepared this time, Simon didn't even stumble at the latest halt. "I don't kn--"

"He probably did something. Called her a new name, or put a rat in her bed or something. Gorramit! He's spoilin' all our meticulous strategy."

"I wouldn't call it meticulous--"

"He never follows the plan." He pointed a finger in Simon's face. "We've worked too long to let him ruin our arrangements."

"If he doesn't feel anything, we can't force--"

"We're not forcin'. We're helpin'. Why would you say we're forcin'?"

"Because nothing has changed. In fact, their relationship may be worse. I've never seen them argue this much."

Mal waved his hands again, this time to negate the younger man's words. "That's because they used to ignore each other's existence as much as possible. Now, they're at least communicating. So this is a step up. Next, we just have to get them to communicate in a slightly less homicidal tone."

"I don't know that Jayne is capable--"

"He is. We wouldn't be doin' this if he wasn't."

"Perhaps not with River--"

"We've seen them carry on conversations without shouting or any… permanent maiming."

"But he faded out with her in his arms. How can we continue to matchmake when Jayne couldn't even dredge up any interest in River with her literally wrapped up in his arms?"

Mal grimaced. "That was a little odd."

"Odd! Jayne Cobb does not ignore women. He leers. He makes crude remarks. He gropes if given any opportunity. However, he did none of those things to my sister," complained Simon. He blinked dazedly when he realized he was actually _offended_ on his sister's behalf because the mercenary had not come onto her. This was all so not right.

Suddenly, the Captain stared blankly at the bulkhead, bedazzled as he experienced a monumentally helpful little epiphany. He considered, "Maybe we're lookin' at this all wrong. Maybe that's a good thing."

"Hunh?"

"Maybe he doesn't see the li'l witch as just any other female." Mal stroked his chin. This latest debacle might have revealed some promising information.

"He acts like that around Kaylee and Inara and Zoe. Why would River be any different?"

"Could be his self-preservation instincts. The man has strong self-preservation instincts."

"But Zoe could kill him just as easily--"

"Not talkin' about my li'l albatross hurtin' him. Man's well aware of that. I mean he's probably scared of us." Mal glanced briefly at the Doctor. "Well, me anyway."

This time Simon was offended for himself. "I'll have you know I have threatened Jayne before and he was quite concerned."

"When did you threaten my merc? And somehow manage to not die?"

"After River told me he was the one who turned us in at Ariel, Jayne was laid up in the infirmary and I confronted him."

Mouth fallin' open, Mal stared at the younger man. "At least you had the sense to wait until he couldn't go for his gun. However, point of order, River's uncanny knowledge of the inner machinations of my merc didn't make you perhaps a mite suspicious about your sister's mindreadin' abilities?"

Tugging on his ear, Simon remembered, "When I was rescuing her, the doctor mentioned something about telepathic properties of her medical procedures, but I thought he was simply trying to impress me because I was impersonating an Alliance official."

"They _told_ you!"

Simon dropped his gaze and shrugged noncommittally.

Mal threw out his hands but could find no words to properly express his outrage. "You… I… Doc, when this matchmakin' is behind us, we are going to have a serious discussion about payin' attention."

Simon simply nodded.

Mal popped his neck to relieve some of the neverending tension the Tams brought into his life. "Back to the point I was makin' before your Core naiveté veered us way off track. Normally, we'd castrate a man like Jayne for thinkin' on an innocent girl like River. Obviously, he ain't willin' to cross us again. So even if all our ideas are hittin' home, he ain't never gonna make any kind of move till his non-death is clearly assured. Which means the next step on our agenda is findin' a way to givin' him permission to court River without actually givin' him permission."

"Why can't we just give him permission?"

"Because a man like Jayne needs to feel in charge of his own destiny, needs to feel the victory after the hunt. We offer him your sister on a shiny platinum platter, and he'll run the other way. Then all of this will have been for naught, and my li'l albatross will still be alone."

Astounded by the Captain's logic, Simon remained mute. Mal grimaced at this new complication for a minute before sighing mightily and walking the final few paces to the mess. Silently, they went about their chores as they wondered how in hell they could bestow upon the mercenary unspoken authorization for the courting of River to commence.


	6. Chapter 6

Training with a Twist (Part Two)

Back in the cargo bay…

"He's not trying to _fight_ with her!"

"That's cuz I don't want to fight with ya! Whatever Mal thinks, I do already know how to fight! After all, I ain't dead yet!"

"Obviously, his lack of mortality is merely a statistical anomaly!"

"A static mole what?" asked Jayne curiously, voice lowering.

"An accident," amended River.

"Not bein' dead ain't no accident. Plenty of people have tried to kill me, and I beat 'em all."

"She cannot imagine how." The girl replied while she turned away with a flounce. She did not even bother glancing at him as she blithely observed, "He couldn't even concentrate long enough to learn one simple maneuver. Obviously, he is too easily distracted."

"I concentrate _on the job_," snarled the mercenary with a finger jab to the crazy girl's proffered back. If she wouldn't face him like a gorram man, she deserved what she got. "I'd be dead if I didn't."

Aggrieved by his rough treatment, River spun around and repeatedly stabbed a slender finger into his unyielding chest as she fumed, "That is why it is an accident he is not currently communing with nature from the underside."

Jayne's eyes narrowed. "Is that some fancy ass way of sayin' pushin' up daisies?"

"Yes," hissed River.

The mercenary glared down into her face, frustrated by her escalatin' anger. Her temper flared quickly around him, but usually left just as fast. Why wasn't she calmin' down yet? He searched her mutinous face until he recognized a hint of jealous pique behind the resentment in her eyes. Really! That was new. He could use that. Eyebrows risin' in glee, he practically bounced on his toes as he crowed, "You're just mad cuz I ignored ya."

"Not the only reason," muttered the pilot as her chin dropped, allowing her knotted hair to cover her face once more. She recognized his amusement at her righteous anger, but refused to let him believe that his casual disregard had the power to upset her so.

Struck down from his momentary height, Jayne scowled. He did not like bein' usurped. Weren't no one else she should be mad at but him. He was the one who'd pushed all her bitty buttons. Gorramit. His scowl twisted into more of a pout. "Well… what's the other reason?"

River mumbled without raising her head, "Captain Daddy trusted her enough to ask for her assistance and expertise, yet she couldn't fulfill his simple request because Jayne refused to work with her."

Aw, hell. Why did she have to go and get all girly when he was finally havin' some fun? The mercenary scratched the back of his head. Peerin' intently at his toes, he offered, "That ain't true. I just… I got blindsided by the whole schoolin' thing. It didn't have nothin' to do with ya." He peeked up at her through his eyelashes, but couldn't distinguish her expression through her hair. Sighin', he hoped she would forgive him soon because he felt some beggin' comin' on, and Jayne Cobb never begged a woman for anything, especially not a moonbrained girl of a woman.

Declining to accept his near apology, River kept her eyes trained to the ground. When her half-bound hair began to torment her nose, she angrily reached up and attempted to rip the hairclip from the nest atop her head.

"Stop it. Ya'll pull your hair out," growled Jayne, when his gaze followed her movement. His hands instinctively moved to assist her efforts.

The girl simply turned her back, brushing him off, and continued tearing at the barrette.

Exasperated, Jayne grabbed her wrists and forced her hands away from her head. When she glared up at him, he ordered, "Stop it. I'll get it."

River frowned at the merc but did not attempt to damage him for touching her once again. Taking her inaction as encouragement, he warily released her wrists and stepped closer for easier access.

As his large fingers untangled her silky hair with gentle efficiency, Jayne grumbled, "Why ya got your hair up like this anyways? And wearin' one of your flimsier dresses? Ain't good for a fight."

"She was not aware she would require an outfit better suited for combat. So she allowed Simon to choose her ensemble." The girl shrugged. "He wanted her to be _pretty_ today."

The mercenary scowled, glowerin' darkly at the thought of the doctor's insensitivity. "You're pretty every day. When is your brother gonna figure out clothes can't change that?"

River smiled shyly at his bulging bicep as warmth stole across her face and drifted down to pool in her belly. As Jayne continued to methodically disentangle her hair, she unconsciously leaned on his pleasantly firm chest, and he, in turn, instinctively shifted his stance in support.

The romance-minded mechanic just about swooned off the catwalk, melting at the sweetness. The tough former soldier and highly experienced Companion were practically puddles themselves. The women were thrilled Mal and Simon had finally left so the unaware romancing could resume. Kaylee grinned. This was way better than soap vids on the Cortex. Still needed some snacks though.

"Why's Mal got a bee in his bonnet about this anyways? We could have done it anytime in the past few months, and it ain't like the next job is tough or nothin'."

Soothed by the tenderness of his calloused fingers, River experienced no recurrence of offense at the mercenary's persistent disdain for today's activities. After all, now that Mal, Simon, and the specter of education had left the bay, his entire attention was focused on her. Evidently, the inattentiveness was their fault. She must remember to torment them later for the disorder. "Captain Daddy has not divulged his secrets to her."

Jayne frowned at the thought of the moonbrain sharing secrets with the Captain. She could discover them all scheming-like but not _share_. "Mal don't tell no one nothin'." And he'd better keep it that way, too.

Distantly mindful of the women still on the catwalk, the merc leaned down closer to the girl's ear and whispered, "Ya don't think this is… the thing, do ya?"

Forcing her drooping eyes open, River blinked sluggishly at his t-shirt. "No. Of course not, why would this be the thing?"

Jayne shrugged. "Dunno. Just sorta explained why Mal was all orderin' and why your witless brother was all agreein'. The Doc barely tolerates you snipin' far away from the bad guys. Seems awful weird he'd agree to this li'l idea."

"It is odd."

"That's why I thought it might be the thing."

"No, too simple. The thing is complex, twisting, still indeterminate."

His dexterous fingers paused mid-barrette rescue. "Hunh?"

"Can't figure out the thing because it is not fully matured, remains in a state of flux. When the plans are settled, the thing will be clear."

Gently disentanglin' the last few strands of hair from the clip, Jayne observed, "Mal ain't one for makin' workable plans, and unless the thing involves breakin' you in or outta some hospital, Simon ain't neither."

"Should conspire with Zoe, Kaylee, and Inara."

"Yeah, but they ain't gonna cuz Mal likes to get shot and Simon likes to patch him up. Makes 'em both feel all useful and manly."

Grabbing the sides of the mercenary's t-shirt, River buried her nose in the center of his chest and giggled.

Jayne's snicker transformed into a boyish grin.

Zoe and Inara instantaneously clamped their hands over Kaylee's mouth, smothering her excited squeal.

After pressin' the freed clip into the girl's still clutchin' hand, Jayne began a thorough finger-combin' of her messy hair. Frownin', he reminded, "We still gotta do somethin' about this trainin' _go se_ or Mal'll be all thundery at dinner."

"Yes," sighed River as she rested her cheek on the hired gun's broad chest, mindlessly snuggling further into him during his pleasurable ministrations.

Jayne rolled his eyes and jiggled her to get a more helpful response. He did not however even pause in his self-appointed handmaiden's task, as he carefully separated and arranged her smooth hair down her long, slim back.

River pouted, and her hands slid down to twist in the soft fabric clinging to his waist. "He refused to learn from her."

Grimacin' at his own stupidity for both doin' it and then bringin' it back up, Jayne skipped past the minefield and suggested, "Well, we'll just do somethin' else cuz that was too… still. Made me sleepy." All warm and comfy, coulda curled up right there on the deck for a nap.

"Something less stationary?" River perked up. The merc did hate waiting. She should have remembered and chosen something more dynamic.

"Yeah, somethin' where I get to move around. Get my blood pumpin'."

"But that would be actual fighting, and he said he did not wish to fight with her."

Jayne shrugged, tryin' to release the reignitin' anger at this whole stupid gorram idea of Mal's. "Yeah. But what else are we gonna do?"

River closed her eyes as she searched for a fighting lesson that contained no fighting. There had to be some way to tweak his combat capabilities without any actual combative engagement with her. Suddenly, inspiration hit. She opened her eyes and beamed up at him. "Dancing."

Eyebrows furrowin' in confusion, Jayne finally stepped back from her, tuckin' the last ribbons of hair behind her ears as he went. His lip curled as if newly questionin' her sanity. "Dancin'?"

Kaylee bounced excitedly on the catwalk as Zoe and Inara's eyebrows shot up in silent laughter. This latest matchmaking scenario had progressed quite unpredictably. It was almost too bad Mal and Simon were never likely to know how well this scheme was playing out.

Nodding her head vigorously, River earnestly enumerated the benefits, "Fighting without fighting. Have to move without thinking about the next step but still knowing what the next ten steps are plus knowing not only what his partner is doing but what everyone else on the dance floor is doing as well. Form, movement and perception, but no blood."

"Yeah, right."

"He does not comprehend the comparison because he does not know how to dance. She can show him." The pilot stepped forward snatching eagerly at the hired gun's hands.

Evadin' her grasp, Jayne backed away. "I know how to dance. My ma didn't raise no heathens."

River slanted a skeptical eyebrow. "She has never seen him dance."

"That's because, unlike a certain li'l flibbertigibbet, I don't choose to dance."

"She is not a flibbertigibbet nor will she be distracted by name calling. If he can dance, he must show her. Otherwise, she will disbelieve him."

Jayne's eyes narrowed. "You callin' me a liar?"

"She has not been presented with evidence of the truthfulness of his assertion. Therefore she cannot verify his veracity."

"Hunh?"

"If he dances with her, she will know he is honest." River moved closer and held up her hands to begin.

"I'm always--" When the girl's eyebrow peaked even higher, Jayne abruptly terminated his rather rash statement. "Fine, but I will hate it the entire time."

As he stepped forward to assume the starting position, River frowned, dropped her hands and turned her back to him. "His day has already been bad enough. She will not make him do something else he hates." Maybe he simply hated activities which involved her. She bit her lip. Ignoring the roaring distress in her ears and the spike in her chest, she added as calmly as possible, "She has no more educational concepts, and must go apologize to Captain Daddy for her inability to formulate an appropriate lesson plan."

Jayne blinked bewilderedly at the girl's back. "What? Mal'll just be tetchy if ya do that. Besides, I ain't proved nothin' yet. We gotta dance first." Gorram it, what the ruttin' hell was wrong now?

"She will simply believe Jayne because he told her he could dance and he has, to her knowledge, not been dishonest to her of late." Keeping her back to him, she began to move away from his tall form and out of the cargo bay.

"Well, ain't that comfortin'," grumbled the mercenary. He grabbed a hold of the girl's elbow as she tried to skirt past him. "I ain't lettin' ya go until we dance. You said I had to prove it, and I will. So dance."

"No."

"Gorramit, why not?" demanded Jayne as he pulled River around to face him and promptly wished he hadn't when he saw her blink back tears. His skin heated up and his toes clenched. Maximum damage. Gorramit.

She dropped her gaze to the ground and sniffled. "Because he said he would hate it, and she will not compel him to do anything else he would hate."

He shuffled his suddenly restless feet and rubbed a hand around his flushin' neck. He wanted to holler real loud and then hole up in his room, but couldn't leave the girl in this state. Her tears were his fault, and he had turn off the tap. "It ain't like before. That's stuff ya shouldn't… It ain't right what they crammed into your brain against your will. Dancin's alright though, cuz it's stuff ya wanted to learn. And it ain't that I would mind dancin' with _you_. I just hate dancin' _in general_."

Tears fading a bit, River lifted wide dark eyes to the merc's bright nervous blue. "He would not engage her in preparatory combat because the knowledge was not gained through her own volition?"

Noddin' anxiously, Jayne stumbled to explain, "I was real angry-like about it all of the sudden, and didn't want to accidentally take it out on ya when we was tusslin'."

She gnawed on her lip for a moment then tentatively inquired, "He would not mind dancing with her?"

"Nah, not with you. It's just that dancin' makes me feel like I'm twelve and back at some church social. Halfway through one step, all I can smell is old lady. Don't matter where I am or who I'm tryin' to dance with."

"His dance partners smelled like old lady?"

"My ma used to make me partner with the widows who didn't have no one to dance with. They all had this old lady smell of powder and medicine and dusty flowers. Can't clear that outta my mind."

After that poignant exchange, Kaylee nearly ran down to hug the life out of the big brute, but aware of the delicacy of the moment, determined instead to randomly ask him to do things for her so she could constantly hug him in overenthusiastic thanks. Inara and Zoe continued to restrain the impetuous younger woman, but they too were hard pressed to retain their dispassionate countenances at the brusque man's touching exposure. If they thought the scene could properly play on without them, the women would have covertly retreated to leave the innocently bonding couple alone. However, Mal or Simon could pop up at any time and inadvertently scare the pair back into their lonely hidey-holes. So they maintained their guardianship, remaining there to turn the tide if necessary.

"Scent memory is very strong," assured River as she soothingly petted the ill at ease man's arms. "They don't have to dance. She'll think of something else for them to do that will satisfy Captain Daddy's requirements."

Shakin' his head, Jayne refused her soft offer. "Nah, we need to do somethin' today before Mal throws a tantrum, and if ya think dancin' will work, then we'll dance." He frowned. "Ain't never tried to dance without music though."

Afraid the prickly mercenary might back out again, Inara calmly suggested, "I'm certain I have something appropriate in my shuttle."

The women held their breaths as the instant elongated while waiting for the pair's response. Fortunately, the lethal couple startled but did no more than reflexively clasp each other's arms.

Sensing no opposition or judgment from the women, River's hands relaxed and she smiled gratefully. She knew they would see how beneficial this new scheme was for Jayne's training and wouldn't blindly hinder the lesson as Mal or Simon would have. The women onboard were much calmer than the men.

The entire female crew of Serenity shared understanding smiles.

Jayne blinked.

"I will be back in one minute."

As the Companion swiftly strode to her shuttle, Jayne stared up at the women. He'd plum forgotten they were still there. They hadn't heard everything, had they? He squinted suspiciously.

Zoe manufactured a carefully neutral expression of near boredom to throw off any notion of overly, detailed scrutiny. Kaylee smiled widely but rather vaguely as she had whipped a broken engine part out of her overalls and was tinkering with it in hopes of them not noticing the dreamy glint in her eyes. They both knew the explosive pair was likely to skedaddle if they comprehended the intensity of the surveillance.

Inara reappeared quickly, carrying a portable music player and three pillows. She handed a pillow each to Zoe and Kaylee then gracefully sat upon her own. She set the player down and turned it on, filling the cargo bay with the melody of a simple, classic waltz.

Jayne and River tilted their heads in unison as they contemplated the women's nesting. Simultaneously, they dropped their hands and stepped away from each other, instinctively retreating from observation.

Tryin' to halt the retreat, Kaylee nonchalantly waved off any curiosity about the couple's actions. "'Nara and I don't wanna get any closer to Simon and Mal's meal preparation than we gotta." She laughed, "Easier to eat that way. So's we're just gonna sit here and keep Zoe company cuz Captain Tightpants left her here to be all first matey in charge. Y'all go back to what ya were doin' whiles we enjoy the shiny music 'Nara brought out for ya."

After the mechanic's impromptu speech, the women deliberately distanced themselves from the goings-on down on the bay floor. Kaylee swung her legs in time to the music but her gaze fell back to the part in her hands. Inara began filing her nails, and Zoe's posture altered to display impassive command.

Put at ease by the artless maneuvering, the deadly duo gingerly resumed their previous discussion. After all, the women on the catwalk hadn't interfered yet. Besides, this training wasn't the least bit interesting to anyone.

Kaylee peeked out from beneath her lashes and licked her lips in anticipation.

Attempting to regain the mercenary's full attention, River queried, "When was the last time he tried to dance?"

Eyebrows twistin' in concentration, Jayne recalled, "Been a while. I guess I wasn't yet fourteen. I tried to dance with Mary Sue Smith. She was sixteen and she had…" As he began to describe dear Mary Sue with cupped hands, his laughin' eyes met River's narrowed gaze forcin' him to gulp down his original words. "Well, she was mature for her age. Very mature. She smelled all perfumed and girly until the dance started then wham she smelled like old lady. Made me nauseous. So we quit dancin' and found something else to do." Without thinking, Jayne grinned lasciviously in recollection until his gaze fell on River's unimpressed face again. That grin dropped right off his face as he, once more, rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and scuffled his boots together.

She inquired disapprovingly, "Not yet fourteen?"

He shrugged then grinned and chuckled. "Well, I was mature for my age, too." With a waggle of his eyebrows to outrage her, Jayne stepped forward, clasped her waist and hand, and set off at a very slow waltz.

With the couple's attention safely withdrawn once more, Inara surreptitiously slid a vid-camera from an inside pocket of her robe and braced it against the outside of her thigh. Kaylee shifted her knee to accommodate the recorder then propped her engine part in front of the device but left the lens clear. Zoe kept lookout for any sudden movements by the dancers.

Turning her face away from the impolite oaf's, River followed his directions stiffly but refused to raise her hand to his shoulder. She didn't care what he was doing when he was _not yet fourteen_ or with whom. It was merely the principle of the matter. At that age, she was considering learning opportunities which were expected to facilitate her development into a productive member of society; he was merely having _fun_. And, she really _didn't_ care with whom he was having _fun_. Her lower lip puffed out dangerously.

Intent on rememberin' the correct steps, the merc bent his head and watched their feet pace evenly across the grates on the bay floor. He tried not to notice the girl's frosty manner. Didn't bother him at all that she was snubbin' him despite the fact that he held her properly and they was dancin' like she'd _demanded_. What did he care if the moonbrain was mad at him again? Happened all the gorram time. An involuntary muscle twitch at his temple belied his carefully blanked face.

After completin' a small circuit around a grate, Jayne suddenly realized something and looked up at River. He grinned excitedly down at her as he exclaimed, "Hey, you don't smell like old lady!"

Raising a dainty eyebrow, River glanced askance at him and queried doubtfully, "She doesn't?"

"Nope. Ya smell like ya always do."

"She has an unvarying odor?"

"Yeah, ya always smell like breakfast."

River's nose quivered. "She reeks of food?"

"Not just any food, a hearty breakfast. Cinnamon oatmeal. My favorite way to start out the day when I was a kid. Stuck to my stomach, kept me fueled up when I was out workin' the fields." Jayne smiled fondly in reminiscence.

Kaylee bounced higher and higher on her cushion as Inara and Zoe casually linked her arms with her once more, preventing her from flying off the catwalk. The merc had not only memorized the pilot's scent but also tied it to thoughts of home? He was so totally gone, and the mechanic was beyond giddy over it. Plus, they was gonna have an awesome capture of the moment to show 'em later when the grouch would only throw a minor fit over the invasion of his privacy before grudgingly cherishing it forever.

Wide-eyed, River turned her head to fully face the mercenary. "She smells like a gastronomically nourishing foundation for the day?"

Jayne nodded. "Yeah." His smile fadin' somewhat, he asked, "Ain't that what you're supposed to smell like? Figured it was some fancy soap or such."

River's hand skimmed up the outside of his arm before landing atop his shoulder. Calmly clasping said shoulder, she only noted for the purpose of scientific comparison the difference between the memory of her brother's normal, uninteresting shoulder and Jayne's broader, stronger, much more well-developed, quite clinically fascinating one. She flexed her fingers, merely searching for a better purchase, and only casually detected the toned smoothness hidden beneath the soft fabric that stretched across the seemingly neverending breadth.

The slow twisting of the mercenary's eyebrows reminded the pilot he was still waiting for a response. Smiling brightly to hide her own momentary distraction, she agreed, "The scent is derived from her soap. It was a birthday present from Inara."

Face clearing as his smile instinctively answered River's, Jayne then smiled up at the Companion. "Well, it was a good present."

The women had managed to tone down their expressions again before the dance partners' gazes returned to them. Their open countenances slid momentarily into benign interest as they smiled gently at the absentmindedly dancing couple.

"It is a good present, but she is nearly out. She will likely have to find another brand soon."

That didn't sit right. He didn't wanna go and learn up a new smell for the crazy girl. This one suit her just fine, and the next one would probably be some over-the-counter, backwoods kind that'd make her smell like other people. That _really_ didn't sit right. "Can't 'Nara order ya anymore? For pick up at the next postal station?"

"She did not wish to presume on Inara's time for such a mundane task, as one soap generally cleanses as well as another."

"'Nara don't mind." Jayne peered fretfully at the Companion. He knew she wouldn't want the moonbrain to go around smellin' common otherwise she wouldn'ta bought her the soap in the first place. 'Nara would fix it.

Smiling serenely, Inara assured them, "No, of course, I don't mind. I would be more than happy to help River with her purchase. Perhaps this time we'll add some lotion and lip balm to the order. This ship can really dry out your skin."

Noddin' along with the Companion's words, Jayne leaned forward to inspect the girl's lips. "Probably could use some of that lip stuff. You're always bitin' your lip and all. And your feet could probably use oilin' since ya rarely wear your ruttin' shoes."

"She does not like--"

"Yeah, yeah. I know ya can't think as well with your shoes on. You could still use all that girly pamperin' stuff every once in a while though, so's you can keep better care of yourself. But," Jayne's chin jutted out determinedly. "After that cut ya got shoppin' last time, I ain't lettin' ya go on planet no more without your gorram boots on."

River gasped at his audacity. First, he had coerced from her a promise to no longer stand on the rails. Now, he was ordering her around concerning her footwear? What was next, her _undergarments_! "He cannot prevent her from leaving the ship without her shoes. He is not in charge of her attire. She is an adult and will dress as she sees fit."

"I toldja I ain't lettin' yet ya endanger yourself no more," growled Jayne, doggedly refusin' to continue lettin' the supposedly grown woman indiscriminately place herself at risk. Apparently, Mal and Simon weren't gonna do nothin' about it, but the merc wasn't as easily swayed by the moonbrain's wiles so that obviously left the manliness on this boat up to him.

While the pair's eyes steadfastly fixated upon each other, Inara extracted a small box from her pocket. She opened it and offered the chocolates to the mechanic and the first mate. They each took one, and the three women savored the candy as they continued watching the hired killers' mating dance. They smiled knowingly at the unaware but automatic realignment of the couple's bodies.

Even as the duo argued, their bodies had drifted closer and now touched from breast to knee. In reaction, his hand had slid farther around her waist, splaying open in support at the hollow of her back. Her hand on his shoulder had in turn skated across the breadth until impeded by his neck, whereupon her thumb had landed on the edge of his t-shirt collar and her fingers had wound around the impasse to unconsciously stroke the soft hairs at the base of his head. Their legs brushed smoothly as they floated through the steps.

Kaylee sighed soundlessly. She needed to borrow 'Nara's music box and drag Simon down to the bay for some of this fun one-on-one time for themselves.

River was not in the least bit amused at this moment. Indignantly, she declared, "He cannot prevent her from going on jobs."

Awash with confusion, Jayne blinked innocently down at her. "Why would I do that? Ya wear your boots on jobs."

"He said he would not allow her to imperil herself anymore."

"We're all in danger on jobs. Hell, we're all in danger just being on this boat. Wouldn't be any fun otherwise." The mercenary wiped the involuntarily grin from his face. This was serious stuff. She had to stop needlessly leavin' herself open to harm. The mere thought of what could happen made his stomach clench. Without hesitation, he reaffirmed, "But I ain't lettin' ya walk around all those dirty backwater towns without somethin' coverin' your gorram feet."

"He cannot--"

"It's childish."

River sucked in her breath. "She is not a child."

"Prove it." At the telling crinkle of her forehead, he explained, "Wear your shoes like any sane adult would."

Blinking back new tears, River bit her lip and ducked her head beneath his chin. "She is unlikely to ever be fully sane."

Jayne wanted to yell at himself for sayin' the wrong thing i _again_ /i and upsettin' the girl, but now was not the time for such self-beratin'. He had to make her see reason before something stupid critically injured her. And, right now, he had her undivided attention. However, he couldn't help but try and soothe her a little. "Who is?"

The unexpected press of her face into his chest was the only answer.

He sighed and tried again. While tenderly rubbin' her back in unconscious time to the music, he counted, "Mal obviously ain't. The Doc neither. Not to mention Badger and Patience and Saffron and--"

River giggled slightly but did not lift her face from his shirt. "She understands and comprehends."

"Good." Now that they had sealed the deal and closed the argument, he could focus on cheerin' her up. All he needed to do was--

"But she will not comply."

Surprised by the interruption of his thought process, Jayne hoped he'd heard wrong cuz otherwise the argument was totally back on. "What--"

Tilting her head back to look up at the astonished man, River announced, "Factoring in the possibility of injury or infection from the often less than hygienic places they visit, she will try to remember to wear her boots in town. However, she will remain barefooted onboard and when they land farther away from human habitation so that she may feel the ground beneath her feet and the grass between her toes."

Jayne's mouth opened and closed but no words escaped. He clamped his lips together and tried not to scowl. Inhalin' deeply, he forced himself to see this as a step in the right direction and not simply the moonbrain's latest attempt to test his patience cuz she already knew he didn't have none so there was no reason to test it anymore.

"Fine."

River stared unblinkingly at the man, gauging his acquiescence. The darkness of his scowl confirmed his reluctant agreement to her alternate ultimatum.

"Fine."

"But I'm gonna make sure ya got your boots on before ya go into town, and I get to check your feet after ya stroll through the wilds."

Rolling her eyes, River agreed, "Fine."

"Fine."

The often contentious and always lethal couple had effortlessly danced around the entire cargo bay, completely in sync as they casually avoided all obstacles. It really was such a shame to end the lovely performance.

Jayne felt a heavy hand descend onto his shoulder and pull him to a halt. Startled, he spun around, pushin' River behind him as he turned.

Amused by the completely unconscious, protective action, Zoe lifted an eyebrow.

"What?" asked the merc a trifle guiltily. Not that he had anything to be guilty about. It was just a natural reaction to bein' startled is all. Had nothin' to do with the disruption of the odd enjoyment he'd felt when dancin' with the crazy girl.

"Mal's calling us to dinner."

Jayne blinked owlishly at the women surrounding him. When had they left the catwalk? "Oh. I didn't hear him."

Kaylee smiled at his befuddled expression. "We know. That's why Zoe stopped you."

Noddin' vaguely, Jayne quickly stepped away from the girl and tried to move to the mess before Mal got even more mad at him. However, River seized the back of his shirt before he could walk away. Feelin' the girl's li'l fingers clutchin' his t-shirt, the merc looked over his shoulder in confusion at her.

Pointing with her free hand, River explained, "The frog prince needs his boots."

Jayne rolled his eyes at the moonbrain's latest fairy tale. "I ain't no prince in disguise." He tried to head over to his footwear but had to shimmy to get the girl to release his shirt first.

Relinquishing her grip, River tilted her head to the side and watched the big man stride over to his boots. She queried, "Does the frog know he's a prince until he is kissed?"

"Ain't no amount of kissin' gonna turn me into a prince, even if I did kiss on the mouth," reminded Jayne as he perched on the edge of the crate and began carefully pullin' on his socks.

"Have to find the right princess," agreed River sagely.

"Yeah, well, she's been hidin' for a while. 'Spect she found someone else by now."

"Perhaps she is still locked in her tower awaiting rescue."

Jayne paused briefly as he reached for a boot, and contemplated River for some reason he didn't understand. He blinked and drug his gaze from hers. Shruggin' the weird tension from his shoulders, he returned to the boot and remarked off-handedly, "I leave the big damn hero stuff to Mal and the Doc. They live for that stuff. So no need for me to save no damsels-in-distress."

River nodded solemnly. "They do enjoy the saving." Then she grinned. "But damsels are boring anyway. Jayne would need a warrior princess to fight at his side rather than someone constantly awaiting rescue."

Glancin' up as he grabbed the other boot, he saw her grin. "Yup, and those are really rare."

The couple smiled at each other, for a second, completely alone in the crowded cargo bay.

Inara gently covered the excited fingers Kaylee had quickly thrust behind her back.

"Why didn't we get no chocolate?" asked Jayne as he fastened his boots. Wide-eyed, he looked up at the Companion. "River likes chocolate."

He had noticed the candy but hadn't immediately demanded some for himself? And, even now, insinuated that the pilot be fed first? Oh, this day was too life-altering for words.

Somehow, Inara managed to control her facial expression into merely forming a friendly smile when a much more animated grin wanted to break out. "I have more. I would have offered the two of you some, but didn't wish to interrupt your training."

While the merc nodded his understanding, the pilot smiled eagerly. Bouncing on her toes, she queried, "There is more? They could have some for desert? They will require something edible with which to wash down the taste of Simon and Captain Daddy's attempt at food."

They all laughed at that regrettable truth.

"Of course, _mei mei_, I will get the chocolate for you after dinner."

"She will gladly receive their treat while Jayne hydrates some milk."

"Why can't I get the chocolate while you make the milk?"

"Because Captain Daddy would get testy if he saw Jayne in Inara's shuttle."

Jayne rolled his eyes. "Man needs to figure out what that burr under his saddle is cuz it's ruttin' annoyin' waitin' for him to see what's under his nose."

Kaylee couldn't prevent her snort at this oblivious man's disdain for the other. Happily, Simon no longer lived in oblivion.

Zoe slanted an eyebrow, and Inara let the laughter loose.

River grinned along with him.

Figurin' they were all merely agreein' with him too, the mercenary smirked at the snickerin' women.

The girl skipped over to his side. "Next time, they shall have to set up more obstacles to avoid."

"Why?" questioned Jayne with only mild curiosity and absolutely no heat at the mention of ongoing lessons. He hadn't even batted an eye at the left field remark.

River explained earnestly, "They circled the bay without directly looking at or bumping into any of the too evenly spread boxes. In order to advance his training, they need a more difficult obstacle arrangement to work through next time."

The not-quite-a-couple-yet couple smiled in silent agreement. As he stood up from the crate, her hand drifted precariously close to clasping his, but they both drew back before the unconscious action could be completed.

Kaylee sighed at the near miss.

As they began walkin' out of the bay, Jayne turned warily to the women. "Ya ain't gonna tell Mal about the… ah… are ya?"

Zoe shook her head. "Oh, no. You two were just doing what he wanted."

"No need to fill him in on all those pesky details," added Inara.

"Don't wanna get that Special Hell speech or nothin'."

Kaylee clapped him on the shoulder. "Oh, Jayne, you're such a silly. Ya ain't goin' to no Special Hell over a dance." She grinned. "There's other ways to do that."


End file.
